Israeli Innovations Changing the Jewish World for Purim

Israeli optical corporation OROT has developed a special set of glasses meant to provide quality of life to Hareidi sufferers around the world.  Custom-designed to fit males above the age of 13, the new lenses include state-of-the-art technology to place the image of a burka (body veil) over the images of women seen through the glasses.  Expected to hit the market in time for the summer, they are currently available for pre-order in Beit Shemesh.

Beauty giant Estee Lauder and famed Jewish activist Nadia Matar of Women in Green are teaming up to create a first-of-its-kind perfume.  “Settler” combines the aroma of olive and cedar trees, the scents of rain, earth, and broken rock, and splashes of wild poppy fragrance.  Packaged in bottles made of the remnants of caravans torn down by the government in Amona, Migron, and Havat Gilad, they are all slightly dented, after having arrived from the factory to the store through a series of trempim (hitchhikes).

“Settler Woman” will include notes of 100% whole wheat challah (from flour grown in Bat Ayin), while “Settler Man” purveys a hint of 30-day-worn tzitzit (wool, with techelet).  The ad campaign, entitled “Settler: The Scent of the Hilltops”, will feature Bar Refaeli, with music by Sinai Tor.  For sale starting on Jerusalem Day 5772, it will be available throughout Judea, Samaria and the Golan, as well as Christian communities throughout the American South.

Concerned about committing the Torah-forbidden sin of embarrassing your host, yet concerned about eating an inferior Badatz hechsher?  The new “Hechsher Sniffer” is an inconspicuous device worn on the lapel which detects the various Badatz hechshers used in a food about to be consumed.  Worn as a pin (options include “Moshiach Now”, which is black “Kiss Me, I’m Litvish”, which is also black and “I Love Issurs”, which is in black for the fashion-forward) and accompanying earpiece, “Hechsher Sniffer” whispers the names of the hechsherim present in a food placed in front of the pin.

Additional software can be installed to offer excuses as to why food placed on the wearers plate will not be consumed by the wearer.  Excuses include “I’m Fleishig/Milchigs”, “I have Celiac” and “If I ate this, my wife might get jealous that I love it so much.  No, really”.  Audio software is currently available in Borough Park, Williamsburg, Mea Shearim and Bnei Barak dialects.  Versions which detect non-Badatz hechshers will not be developed – if your host didn’t eat Badatz, you wouldn’t be friends with him anyway, so what’s the point?

For English-speaking immigrants to Israel, a new product to thwart the pesky problem of relatives and friends who insult the Holy Land.  Dibat HaAretz Drops are a tasteless, odorless food additive which produces flatulence when exposed to untoward commentary about Israel, Israelis, or aliyah.   Seven drops in any food will remain effective for 18 hours, and produce instant turgidness when any unfavorable statements are made about schooling, Torah, livelihood, or politics in Israel by the ingestor.  Serving a double effect, the drops are both meant to provide subtle Pavlovian conditioning in the unsuspecting consumer, while also rendering him unsavory and unpopular in his surroundings.

iPhone’s new Shidduch App has earned 18 million dollars in the first day of sales, providing users with instant assurance as to whether a marriage prospect is appropriate.  Settings are availabe for Ashkenazi and Sephardic couples.  The Ashkenazi service includes instant readings on a wide array of topics such as “Will she get along with my mother”, “will her kugels be good enough for the Kiddush Club”, and Fashion Costs Predictor for the men, as well as women’s features such as Gemara aptitude measuring device “Learn-o-meter“, Dvar Torah aptitude device “Talk-o-meter” and portrait-posing aptitude measuring device “Pict-o-meter”.  The Sephardic service compares the woman’s Moroccan fish with that of the man’s mother, and the man’s temper with that of the girl’s father.

All app users can avail themselves of the Shana Rishona calculator, which determines the likelihood of the match to thrive in relationship to the amount of financial support the parents are willing to provide, and the proximity of the couple’s new home to that of each of their parents.