When I meet with people in my office, I leave my phone on my desk, behind us and out of reach. This week during a meeting, my phone rang. As I was apologizing and reaching to turn it to silent, one of the people I was meeting with shared that he left his phone at home for this meeting. Just those words, “I left my phone at home,” startled me. Turning it to airplane mode, leaving it in the car, I can understand, but the discipline, self-control, and courage to leave it at home truly impressed me. He did it so he could be fully present, invested in our conversation, and that meant something to me.
In May 2023, best-selling author Simon Sinek was giving a presentation at the Banca Mediolanum National Convention in front of an audience of thousands. In the middle, he had someone come to the stage and hand him his cell phone which he simply held in his hand. A moment later he shared:
I just want to show you something. This is the psychological power of the device. What if I was sitting here talking to you holding my phone? It’s not buzzing it’s not beeping, no one’s calling me, I’m just holding it. Do you feel like you are the most important thing to me right now?
No, you don’t. That’s the association. So when we show up for a meeting or we sit down for dinner with our families and we put the phone on the table, it sends a psychological message to everyone sitting there that you are not the most important thing to me right now. And putting the phone upside down is not more polite. Put into the airplane mode to take away the temptation that something’s coming in. And put it in a bag or on a shelf out of sight.
This is how we should be interacting with people, giving them our full attention, because the idea is not that we hear the words they say but that they feel heard and this is one of the tricks.
If you wake up in the morning and you check your phone before you say good morning to the person sitting next to you, you probably have a problem. If you have to take your phone from room to room, no matter where you go, you probably have a problem. And just like any recreational drug, the more you practice leaving it away, for example if you go out for dinner, you don’t need four telephones. Leave one at home leave one in the car, you have one with your spouse, it’s fine. if you have a client meeting leave it in the car, leave it in the bag, never take it out and it becomes easier and easier and you find it easier not to be sucked in by the by the fear mongering as well. So like any addiction, it just takes a little work.
It is hard to compete with a ringing phone or a person scrolling while we are talking to them but it turns out that someone simply holding their phone signals to us that we are competing for attention and focus.
While the proliferation of technology and the distraction that comes with it is fairly recent, the struggle with being fully present is not a new phenomenon.
In our parsha, Hashem invites Moshe to come up on Har Sinai and says: “Alei eili ha’harah veheyei sham, Ascend to Me to the mountain and be there.” Commentators are bothered by the seemingly superfluous phrase in Hashem’s invitation to Moshe. After Moshe is directed to ascend the mountain, it surely was unnecessary for Moshe to also be directed “veheyei sham,” and “be there.” Obviously, once Moshe ascends the mountain he will necessarily be there.
Rashi, in his usual style, answers very succinctly. Why remain there – two words says Rashi, “mem yom.” Hashem wanted Moshe to know that it wouldn’t be a quick visit, up the mountain and down the mountain. Rather, veheyei sham, Hashem told Moshe pack for a forty-day stay.
But perhaps the pesukim are messaging the following contemporary lesson: Hashem, as it were, summons Moshe up the mountain. “Come Moshe,” says Hashem. “I am the infinite, omnipotent and eternal Being. I seek to share with you the truth and mysteries of the universe.” Moshe climbs the mountain as directed, and Hashem then says “Moshe, I recognize how many congregants, disciples and followers are emailing and texting you. I know how many responsibilities are demanding your immediate attention. However, when you are with Me, I expect you to disconnect entirely and actually be with Me.”
Veheyei sham, “be there,” means “be in the present.” Don’t be distracted, interrupted or unfocused. Hashem is telling Moshe that He does not want to compete for attention, even for the most noble of distractions, such as caring for the Jewish people. “Put them aside when you are with Me, and be with Me.” Kenneth J. Gergen, a psychologist and professor at Swarthmore College, has coined the phrase “absent presence,” the experience of being totally absent in spirit, even when physically present in body. The Torah is teaching that absent presence is unacceptable; it is antithetical to healthy relationships.
Technology introduces a constant and consistent diversion from living a life of veheyei sham, from being fully, spiritually present in whatever conversation, activity, event, davening, or learning we are supposedly engaged in. Unfortunately, people experiencing absent presence can be observed everywhere: in our homes, in the workplace, on public transportation, at doctors’ offices or when simply walking down the street. Nevertheless, we must consider absent presence to be intolerable. Being in a state of absent presence is essentially a form of cheating on one’s spouse, neglecting one’s children or simply being unfair to one’s co-workers or chavrusa. Most of all, however, one who is absent present is suffering a life devoid of mindfulness, consciousness, and presence.
We cannot resign ourselves to viewing absent presence as an unavoidable consequence of 21st-century living. It is critical that we always retain the capacity to disconnect from technology at will. Only those who can disconnect at will really own their technology, rather than being owned by it.
I once took a tour of the West Wing of the White House. I noticed a container outside of the Situation Room with numerous slots. I asked what the container was for and was told that everyone, regardless of rank or office, must deposit their devices into the container before entering the Situation Room. What is being addressed in that room is simply too important to risk distractions.
The Mikdash Me’at, the Sanctuary of our Shuls, is our spiritual Situation Room. There continue to be too many incidents of phones ringing or beeping in the middle of davening. A personal pledge not to bring our cell phone into Shul, let alone ever take it out of our pocket, would yield immediate benefits to our concentration in prayer, to the atmosphere of our minyanim, and, most of all, to our creating sacred space in which we truly disconnect from our mundane life and focus on developing our relationships with Hashem.
Our family relationships are also invaluable, and also require effort and focus. Often, couples try to spend quality time together, but in fact are only physically in close proximity while their minds are on whomever or whatever they are addressing on their devices. Families would do well to introduce an inviolate rule that electronic devices cannot be brought to the family dinner table. In so doing, both parents and children would be much more present. Similarly, relationships would surely benefit from a practice of leaving devices in the car, or placing devices in the middle of the table, when a couple is on a shidduch date, or on a married couple’s night out or even talking at day’s end.
If we can develop a ritual of taking out our phone and putting it on airplane mode before minyan begins or as we sit down with someone who deserves our attention, it will not only eliminate distraction and interruption, but also reflect and signal a deep devotion to the relationship. We can only climb the mountains of our lives to enjoy and appreciate the high moments within each day if we are prepared to veheyei sham, to truly be present.
(Reposted from the Rabbi’s site}
