Five years ago, my birthday present was a diagnosis of breast cancer. I was quite confident I was going to beat it, and was very positive and upbeat! Not being sure exactly what stage it was, I was treated to a full year of treatment. I had a little of everything, chemotherapy, lumpectomy, a mastectomy (with a tummy tuck reconstruction), radiation, and finally a little more chemotherapy. I cried, I davened to Hashem, and hoped for the best.
Six months later the breast cancer was back, it had spread to my hip. Now I was getting a little nervous, I was back on chemotherapy, davening more, and crying more. I had six more months of chemotherapy, did a stem cell transplant and had more radiation. I realized that maybe it was time for me to make some personal spiritual changes in my life. It was time to figure out what is going on and what does Hashem want from me. I gave up TV, movies, and reading secular books. I stuck to my resolutions more or less. I began reading books about emunah and bitachon, books about gedolim, books about people we should strive to emulate.
I always believed that Hashem has long range plans for every one of us, and even though things may not be exactly to our liking right now, Hashem knows what He is doing, and in the long run we’ll realize how right Hashem was. Recently, I changed my perspective and realized that not only are Hashems long range plans right for us, His short range plans, what we are going through right this second, are right for us. I have to appreciate everything; I have to show my hakoras hatov to Hashem that I am still here and alive.
The problem is, it is so easy to become complacent, living your life with the regular responsibilities of raising children, livelihood, marrying off children, and taking care of elderly parents…the list goes on. We get so busy living our lives, handling our day-to-day little crises that we forget to go that one step deeper and appreciate our lives.
But it is only in the face of a true challenge, now that my breast cancer came back for the third time, that I finally began to understand that when I have to thank Hashem for everything, everything includes the cancer that came back. Because it made me closer to Hashem, and I would never have merited feeling so close without it coming back. The cancer made me appreciate everything that I have even more. I really began to understand that when we are praying to Hashem it is not only for help, but we are praying to Hashem to say thank you for being here with us, for us, and helping us through our daily lives, every step of the way. Hashem never leaves us for a moment.
How great would it be if we could achieve this closeness to Hashem, this appreciation for all Hashem does for us, without the threat of imminent disaster striking? Living our lives with the constant recognition that we are here to serve Hashem, and to try and emulate all His good characteristics and middos,
Why do we have to wait for disaster to strike, before we can understand the unbelievable strength each and everyone one of us has inside, to give chizuk to others, to be there for others?
One of the ways I keep on edge, and not take being alive for granted, is to be open about my diagnosis, and remind women to be vigilant about their health. Use me as an example of what not to do. Unishmartem es nafshoseichem. You must watch your health. Be aware that early detection of breast cancer is the best cure! Why should another woman have to go through the amount of treatment I had if by sharing my experience I can have her avoid a late stage diagnosis. Doctors believe the three-pronged approach is the best way for early detection. First, self checking on a regular basis. Second, annual appointments at your gynecologist. And third, annual mammograms. (Everything I neglected to do!)
Know that Hashem is here for you, both in the good and happy times, as well as the hard and trying times. Appreciate everything that you have now, as is, because, chas v’shalom, things could always be worse! Appreciate the closeness that is possible, because everything Hashem does is for the good!