Some of most talked about topics in the world are love and hate.
It seems like from the beginning of time, mankind has been constantly fighting this battle between these two opposites. Or are they opposites? Maybe aggravation or anger might be on the other side of love as opposed to hate. In any event, it’s a controversial matter.
We exist in a world that needs both of these major issues in order to succeed. The wise king Shlomo said that there is a time for all emotions under the sun. A time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace, and so on. Our job is to recognize when we encounter one of these emotions, to know which emotion it really is.
We all want to live in times of world peace. However, we have not reached that moment just yet. Therefore, it is important to recognize and differentiate between these emotions so that we know how to act and react.
We try to create a positive atmosphere around us. But the many people and situations that surround us daily contribute greatly to the way we react and behave.
Sadly, the most common places we meet with love and hate is in family conflicts.
Sometimes we find that the people we love can be our greatest source of aggravation. It is not right to say that we hate a family member, even though these terms do exist, unfortunately, in the family as well. It is said that love is the opposite of hate. I don’t see these two concepts as black and white.
If you have a family member that you love, even if you argue and fight with them, you still love that person. You don’t go from disagreeing to hating. And still some of the biggest fights and strongest feelings of hate can be among family.
We do not pick the families that we are born into. This world is governed by the Almighty. It is G-d who chooses into which family each child is born. And it is up to each of us to appreciate our family, and to value G-d’s choice.
As Jews we are taught that every action we do is accounted for, whether for good or the opposite. If a completely evil person once did a good deed, he will be rewarded for that one good deed. There are many stories of a wicked person being rewarded for one good deed.
One such story was of a Jew who lived in a town where all the Jews kept all the mitzvot and followed all the Jewish laws and customs. There was one Jew who kept nothing, defying the laws of the Torah.
Once he had made a big party for his non-Jewish friends, and he made sure that the food at the party would be kosher so that if there would be any left over, he would give it to the poor Jewish people. The left over food was donated to the poor, and that was the only mitzvah he ever did.
Shortly after this event, this irreligious Jew and the holy rabbi of the community fell ill and passed away on the same day. For some unknown reason, the cemetery workers mixed up the two bodies and the Rabbi received a funeral with only the man’s wife and children in attendance. And the Jew who was a total sinner received the whole nine yards of respect that was meant for the rabbi.
Later that night the rabbi came to one of his students in a dream and explained what had happened, so that the names on the tombstones could be changed. Sure enough they checked both bodies and saw what a big mistake had been made. The names were switched immediately and the last respects to the rabbi were given once again. The students were heartbroken at all the shame their beloved rabbi had to go through. They prayed that the rabbi would reveal to them the truth behind what had occurred. And once again the rabbi came to one of the students in a dream and explained to them that the heavenly courts didn’t want to let that Jew, who desecrated every law in the Torah, to be let into Heaven even for one moment to reward him for the one good deed that he had done. Therefore G-d arranged that he would receive his reward for his good deed by getting the rabbi’s respect in burial and by that he would be able to go straight to hell without getting any goodness from Heaven.
These stories come to show that we are accountable for all our actions. If we are born into a certain family, it is by no means a coincidence. If there are fights within the family that cascade into hatred or not speaking to other family member, or not inviting certain family members to events, these deep hurts go way beyond the here and now. While it is true that we are fighting in the present, there is a deeper reason why certain members are fighting with others, why these family members won’t speak, or won’t invite others to their homes or events. We must always try to make peace and work things out especially among the family that G-d chose for us.
We must see Hashem in all we do. Especially when things are tough, we must remember that there is a reason for everything. Check your own actions before you point your finger outward. And if you find nothing wrong or can’t figure out why there is such fighting in the family, know that there is a greater reason from above and seek out G-d’s guidance. May Hashem guide us in our hearts and minds as to how to behave in order that these bad feelings improve.
When we are hurting from anyone, especially a family member, don’t hurt back. Try to understand why this situation is happening in the physical realm and also in a higher realm. Put G-d into the picture, try to understand why this is happening in this family in particular. Look back at past mistakes within the family. Look back at past behaviors of family members and try to learn from them and from their mistakes. It is not an accident or by chance that something happens to us, on an individual level and on a collective one. You can pick your friends but not your family. Invest in them, because this is who you really are.
May all the fights among us be resolved in the best way. And may no more families fall apart from fighting and hatred. And may love and peace replace all those broken family connections. Hashem loves us all and he wants it to be good for all his family members.