Life indeed is a circle. At times we see the circle come back around, and at times it takes so many years that only the next generation sees that circle come round.
All of our actions are written down and we are accountable for every move we make. True, we don’t feel that pressure on a daily basis, but we are all aware that our book is open, our actions are written at all times, and there is judgment for all that is written in each ones book.
We know this figuratively speaking, but usually only when we experience some difficult event do we remember this book that has all our actions written down.
Our good deeds are recorded and so too our mistakes. Not only is the world a circle, but it’s important and very significant where we come from; our lineage.
Sometimes a family member went through some harsh experience and only generations later do one of their grandchildren see the good that came out of their experience and hard work.
About 14 years ago I went through a very difficult divorce, which unfortunately, is a common experience many can relate to. In most cases of divorce, the ones that suffer the most are the children.
Usually one side feels they weren’t heard properly. Not only was the family split in half, and everyone hurt, but also their side of the situation wasn’t addressed as it should have been.
Yesterday I sat in court from morning until night for a monetary matter my ex-husband decided to re-open. I was very apprehensive the whole week before, in anticipation of the nightmare that awaited me in that courtroom.
I expected the worst at the courthouse since that’s how it was so many years ago, when the divorce took place and my children were all so young and fragile.
We all make all sorts of decisions in life and all sort of mistakes. And they all have their consequences. Some are short term, while others long term, and some lasting from one generation to the next.
No divorce is pleasant. They are usually filled with lots of pain and frustration.
As I walked into the courtroom this past Sunday all the past memories came back in a flash. I felt as if I had gone back in a time tunnel and I was back fighting for my rights and crying over all the damage that was done to my entire family.
I was very surprised that the tables suddenly turned after so many years.
It was usually me on the stand trying to defend myself, trying to make people see how most of the events that took place surrounding the separation and downfall of my beautiful family wasn’t all my fault.
As much as I tried to plead my case and my side of the story, the voice of my ex seemed to outweigh mine and we’ve had to live with the results ever since.
Throughout all the years that have passed, I tried so hard to build up my family and children once more despite all the pain and suffering we all went through. And all along my ex-husband never made it easy, and I always felt he had the upper hand.
So I entered that courthouse with a very heavy heart and was expecting the usual barrage of comments and accusations of all sorts, just as it had been for years.
But as I mentioned at the beginning, life is a circle, and the wheel of time and fortune is constantly turning. Sometimes we see the circle come around while other times it may happen long after we are gone, but Hashem who is in charge, always makes sure that wheel never stops turning.
My ex was first up on the stand as it was he that was suing for money he felt was owed to him. And for some reason only Hashem knows, questions regarding his own actions and decisions from the past were the topic of discussion.
It was painful to hear since I was reliving the past and all its ramifications throughout all these years. However, it was the first time that I wasn’t being badgered and accused for all my actions and decisions surrounding my terrible divorce.
It wasn’t me that was being accused or cross examined, and it wasn’t me that was reprimanded for my actions. I was sad to relive the painful past, however it felt good to see the circle of my life coming around and seeing life from a different point of view, not as the person who caused the divorce, but rather as a victim as well, who fell into a terrible situation which caused me to behave in a certain way.
I mentioned before that not only does the circle come around, but also it matters where I come from. I’m sure that all my grandparents and great-grandparents were looking out for me and praying for me all these years. Perhaps my good fortune yesterday was due to the good and honest actions of my ancestors before me. And I’m sure they were hugging me from above, in that court since I felt completely immersed in their love.
I left the courtroom exhausted but at ease. After so many years of my children and me suffering from this terrible divorce, there was finally my voice, which wasn’t ever heard before.
May we have good and pleasant experiences during our lifetime.
However, when things seem so tough and no light is shining in, just remember that it’s all a circle and if it’s dark and seems so difficult and unfair, hold on. You might be on the bottom but that circle never stops turning, and if you hold on real tight and believe that Hashem is turning the wheel, and that the wheel didn’t start with you and doesn’t end with you, you will indeed see the light and the upside of the wheel.
May we rise again and see Hashem’s light and mercy on us forever.