R’ Noach Weinberg zt”l gave a brilliant answer. Love is not defined as knowing a person’s good qualities. Rather, love is identifying somebody by his or her good qualities. The reason why a man loves his wife in spite of her bad qualities is because when he thinks of her, he thinks of her good qualities. He identifies her by them. True, she may have negative qualities, but they are only incidental to who she really is. Conversely, when somebody thinks about his enemy, his first thought is about the negative qualities in that man. Any attendant good qualities don’t immediately rise to the surface because, in this hateful man’s mind, they don’t make up the true essence of who his foe really is.
Now we have defined our terms. Consequently, I believe we have our scientific formula. If one wishes to love somebody, all he needs to do is learn to identify his fellows by their good qualities. However, this is easier said than done. Some people have bad qualities that are very glaring while their good qualities are somewhat harder to discover. And even when we know of somebody’s good qualities, it is difficult to mentally bind that person to his or her good traits so tightly that we would automatically associate one with the other. Appreciating this difficulty, R’ Avigdor Miller, zt”l once suggested the following strategy. “If you want to love Am Yisrael, you have to work on loving Am Yisrael. You must persuade yourself… Chazal say ‘The mind follows the way you talk.’ Say the words and let the thoughts gradually enter your mind, little by little.” What R’ Miller means is, of course it’s difficult to identify somebody by his good qualities. But you have to work on it. Find one good quality. Talk about it. Mention it – mentally and verbally. Compliment your friend on it, both to him, to others, and to yourself. Talk the talk, and over many years you will come to love your fellow man more and more.
In summation, I think we have our work cut out for us. When the Sages decreed a month of mourning for the students of Rabi Akiva, I don’t believe they only wished to commemorate the loss that we suffered. Rather, I imagine they intended for us to learn from the mistakes made during this period of time and resolve to grow in those areas. Sefiras Ha’Omer is the time during which we prepare for the Receiving of the Torah. Hillel said that on one foot the entire Torah consists of the mitzvah of V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha – to love your friend as yourself, and the rest is commentary. What better way can there be to prepare for the Receiving of the Torah than to work on this mitzvah? It is a long process. It can take many years. But let’s start today. Look for the good qualities in others. Identify them. Talk about them. Persuade yourself that they are truly there. Slowly convince yourself that your friend is defined by these qualities and his bad qualities are incidental. In this fashion we will learn to love our fellow Jew. And just like any parent who rejoices when he sees his children lovingly getting along, Hashem will hopefully look upon us with similar pride.
