The Torah tells us, “Va’yechi Yaakov be’eretz Mitzrayim – And Yaakov lived in the land of Egypt.” The Baal HaTurim reveals that the gematria, the numerical value, of the word va’yechi is 34. He explains that 34 represents the 17 years that Yaakov lived together with Yosef before he was sold, and the 17 years he lived with him in Egypt. These, he elaborates, were the best years of Yaakov’s life.
The obvious question is: What about the 14 years that Yaakov studied in the Academy of Sheim v’Eiver? These were blissful years of Torah involvement without any distractions whatsoever, as we know, “Ein simcha k’simchas haTorah – There is no joy like the joy of Torah.” The pasuk also testifies, “Pikudei Hashem yisharim, misamchei leiv – The commandments of Hashem are upright, they gladden the heart.” And it says, “Toras Hashem temima, meishivas nofesh – The Torah of Hashem is perfect, it rejuvenates the soul.” So, adding together the 34 years Yaakov spent with Yosef and the 14 years of Torah, we should be mentioning at least 48 wonderful years.
Why then only 34 years? I believe that the answer to this mystery is that during the 14 years Yaakov learned in Sheim v’Eiver, he wasn’t married. (On the other hand, during the seventeen years in Egypt, he was still married to Bilhah.) When a person isn’t married, they are only a half, an incomplete person.
Why do we say l’chaim in the plural? One reason is that we are wishing people the best of two worlds, olam hazeh and olam haba, this world and the wonderful Afterlife. Another reason is when we toast someone, we toast his married “unit,” and since ishto k’gufo, a wife is considered like part of his very body, we toast the couple l’chaim to both of them. As the pasuk tells us, “Al kein ya’azov ish es aviv v’imo, v’davak b’ishto, v’hayu l’vasar echad – Therefore a man should leave his parents, cleave to his wife and become one flesh.”
Indeed, we just experienced this idea halachically. When we light the menorah each night of Chanukah, in some homes everyone lights their own menorah, even the daughters. However, the exception is the wife for, since she is one with her husband, his lighting represents her lighting as well.
To forge this sense of oneness is the great challenge of marriage. When a couple goes under the chuppah together, they are accepting upon themselves the profound commitment that from now on, “You are the most important person in my life. Above all others, I will be available to you when you need me. I will give you my most tender speech, and I pledge to you my unwavering loyalty.” As Rav Pam said, under the chuppah, the bride walks around the groom seven times to symbolically declare that from now on, “You are the center of my universe.” When a husband and a wife achieve this aura of togetherness, they succeed in bringing the Shechina to their home. As it says, “Ish v‘isha shalom beineihem, Shechina shruya beineiham – A husband and wife, when there is peace between them, the Divine Presence rests with them.”
Since the objective of marital unity brings the coveted blessing of the Shechina, the yeitzer hara tries mightily to block one’s marital harmony. We therefore must strive vigorously to maintain the magic of our oneness at all times. Here are several strategies that are sure to be of assistance:
Make an effort often to sincerely compliment your spouse. That’s a sure-fire way to put a smile on their face.
Limit criticism only to matters of a permanent nature, matters that will really make a difference to your quality of lives.
Give thought to ways that you can make your spouse happy and strive to fulfill them.
Here is perhaps the number one golden rule for marital success: The best way to get something is to give it. If you want warmth, don’t wait. Take the initiative and be warm to your spouse. If you want smiles, smile. If you want giggles, giggle. If you want them to give you time, make sure when they need you that you clear your slate right away. Remember, whatever you set out to do, you will get back. This is because marriage is reciprocal in nature. It is for this reason that the Hebrew word that describes marital harmony is “sus,” which is a palindrome, for when you are patient, you will get back patience. Use this imagery: View your spouse as a big mirror. Whatever you show the mirror, that’s what you’ll get back.
In the merit of upgrading our marital union, may Hashem bless us with long life, good health, and everything wonderful.
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.