There is a popular Jewish joke which says that the way the present “shidduch system” is set up, nobody would ever have agreed to go out with our great forbearers: Avraham’s father was an idol worshipper, Yitzchak and Yaakov both had brothers off the derech, and Rivka, Rachel and Leah all suffered from the shame of having an insatiably greedy lying cheat in the family – Lavan. But seriously, there are not too many places where the Torah offers guidance on the topic of shidduchim. However, as the Torah is the instruction manual for our lives, let’s take a look at parshas Chayei Sarah and see if we can’t glean some Torah wisdom about seeking a mate, and perhaps, by extension, wisdom for how we live our lives in general.
Try to imagine the scene. Avraham Avinu – the sole believer in Hashem, surrounded by a world of pagans – needs to find a match for his son. The stakes are incredibly high. Will this new religion to which he dedicated his life to teaching and spreading simply die out, or will his son raise a family of believing Jews who will create the Jewish People? His most trusted servant – Eliezer – is entrusted with the mission. Eliezer’s wisdom is indisputable. This Chief Steward doesn’t just run the household and estate; he is a very learned man and the primary disseminator of his master’s teachings. Indeed, we see that Eliezer, of his own initiative, decides to settle for nothing less than the greatest baalas chesed. What detailed directions does Avraham give him before he leaves? Just one single command. “Do not take a wife for my son from the daughters of Canaan. Rather, you shall go to my birthplace and take a wife for my son from there.” This seems like a reasonable demand. The Canaanites were a pagan people, the antithesis of all that Avraham stood for. None of the local Canaanite girls would be a match for Yitzchak. Thus, the search must begin elsewhere.
But here is where it gets puzzling. When Eliezer arrives in Aram Naharayim, he picks out a girl from an idolatrous family! Granted, she was a gem of a girl. Baalas chesed to the nth degree. But how can you take a girl from a family of idolaters? Even if she rejects the foreign gods, why would you risk taking a girl born into such a family? Aren’t you worried that she might be somewhat more benevolently disposed towards idol-worship? Is the fact that she is an amazing baalas chesed enough to make it a worthwhile deal?
The Kli Yakar asks this question and answers as follows. “[Avraham’s concerns were based on his understanding that] the child’s nature is drawn from that of the parent. However, this is only true with regard to material things such as the desire for food, immorality, stinginess, etc. The desire for idolatry, on the other hand, is rooted in the intellect. Thus, the partners that contribute the material (i.e. the parents) pass on only their material traits. The intellect, however, is rooted in the soul – which is contributed not by the parents, but by G-d.” What this complex Kli Yakar means is as follows. It’s true that idolatry was the opposite of everything Avraham stood for. But the inclination towards idolatry is not inherited. So it didn’t bother Avraham if his future daughter-in-law’s family were idolaters. It would be enough for her to reject the foreign gods. But what was indispensable to Avraham, as his loyal servant understood, was that she be kind and caring. These traits, when learned through constant acts of giving, become part and parcel of a person’s make-up. Avraham refused to consider the girls from Canaan not because of their belief in idolatry, but because of their moral decadence. The stinginess, immorality, gluttony and entirely material outlook which reigned supreme in Canaan precluded any possibility of having a matriarch of the Jewish People being chosen from there.