Every morning at the end of our Birchas HaShachar, we petition Hashem, “Us’neinu hayom uv’chol yom l’chein, ul’chesed, ul’rachamim b’Einecha…. – Grant us today and every day that we find favor, kindness, and mercy in Your eyes.” Our first request is for chein. What exactly is the component of chein that we are asking for?
Similarly, in Bentching, in the fourth beracha when we ask for fifteen requests, we start off with the request for chein. So too, in Ya’aleh v’Yavo on Rosh Chodesh and other special days, we ask Hashem for chein. Also, in the first of the middle blessings of the Shemoneh Esrei when we supplicate Hashem for knowledge, we again use the words “Chaneinu mei’It’cha – Grant to us.”
The word chein is the root of the word chinam which means free. If we merit to find chein in the eyes of Hashem, He will freely give us things even if we don’t really deserve them. Thus, we find that when it says, “V’Noach matza chein b’einei Hashem – That Noach found favor in the eyes of Hashem.” The Or HaChaim HaKodesh states that even Noach would have been destroyed during the flood, but he found favor in the eyes of Hashem and thus he was granted a free passage to the new world.
How does one find favor in the eyes of Hashem? The great Chida, zt”l, zy”a, says that the secret lies in the word chein itself, for chein is an anagram of the word noach, which means easygoing and gentle. This is a recipe of how to find favor in the eyes of Hashem. As the Mishnah informs us in Pirkei Avos (3:10), “Kol she’ruach habrios nochah heimenu, ruach HaMakom nochah heimenu,” whoever finds that people are at ease with him can be confident that Hashem is good with him as well.
This is a most fundamental Mishnah. Every growing person wants to know if Hashem is pleased with him and this Mishnah reveals to us the litmus test of how to know if Hashem is happy with the way we are behaving. The Mishnah is very precise with its word selection. It doesn’t say, “If people like you, then Hashem likes you.” Unfortunately, there are a lot of very naughty people who people like very much. For example, take the popular person who always knows the scoop, he’s the belle of the ball. In reality though, he’s a scoundrel, a big baal lashon hara, and he surely is not pleasing in the eyes of Hashem. The Mishnah carefully says the word nochah, which means that people are at ease with him. Others don’t walk around on eggshells when they speak with him because he has an easygoing nature. He’s not rigid, he’s not abrasive, and he’s not excitable. This is the temperament that Hashem is pleased with.
In the famous Igeres HaRamban, the advice that the saintly Ramban wrote to his son, the very first piece of advice he gives is, “L’dabeir kol d’varecha b’nachas – To speak all your words gently, l’chol adam – to every person, uv’chol eis – and at all times.” It is absolutely noteworthy that of all the various and numerous areas of life, the Ramban picked the subject of gentle speech as his Number One direction to his dear son. It reveals to us how important this trait is in a successful life
The Ramban uses the word kol (or chol) in all three instances, emphasizing that one should be gentle in kol d’varecha, with all one’s words; even when they are important and urgent, even when they’ve been repeatedly ignored, and even if they’ve been defied. Then he says l’chol adam, with all people; even with very difficult people, and v’chol eis, at all times; even in very stressful times like erev Shabbos, erev Pesach, before a test or during tax season.
Noach was a titled man. He was crowned by many Biblical accolades. He was called ish, a mensch, tzaddik, a righteous person, tamim, perfect, es HaElokim hishalech Noach, Noach walked with G-d. But the very first title that Noach received was, “Eilah toldos Noach: noach – These are the accounts of Noach: noach.” The second noach was his first title. The Tosefos HaRosh explains noach to mean that he was an ish naichah, an easygoing man. This is the crowning virtue of humanity.
In Yiddish, there is a word that defies a single word equivalency in the English language. The word is eidelkeit. Eidelkeit is a mixture of gentleness, refinement, and nobility of spirit. When we cultivate eidelkeit, being mild-mannered with our spouse, our parents, our children, our friends and all our associates, we achieve the coveted trait of being m’urav im habrios, being able to easily mingle with all people. This is the path to find chein, favor in the eyes of Hashem, and to be protected with Divine approval, even when we might otherwise not deserve it and even during the toughest of times.
In the merit of our striving for a gentler temperament, may Hashem bless us with long life, good health, and everything wonderful.
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.