There have been many articles and even books printed to analyze and find the cause and solution for the dilemma of the child who does not follow the Torah path of their parents. The issue is very complicated as each child is very different and each has their own parameters and challenges that are part of the equation. Parents scratch their heads in confusion and ask, “We have done everything right! We have tried to be role models and examples for our children to aspire to. Why has this happened to us?”
Sadly, there are cases in which there are no simple answers. Sometimes it just happens despite the best efforts from the parents. But sometimes we need to look more closely at our actions and evaluate them clearly. This might afford us some answers.
The Torah states that two of the sons of Aaron (the High Priest) were killed when the Mishkan (Tabernacle) was inaugurated. Our Sages search for the reasons. Some say that these two sons of Aaron were drunk when they entered the Tabernacle. Some say they were not mindful of the position of Moses our teacher and spoke disrespectfully in his presence.
Whatever the reason, the greater question is what was the underlying motivator of their disobedience? Their teacher was the great leader Aaron, the High Priest. Surely he was a wonderful example for his children to aspire to. What went wrong?
There is an interesting Rashi that appears in the book of Devarim. When Moshe is reviewing the happenings of the Jewish people during their 40-year trek in the desert, the Torah states that Aaron committed a sin by not taking a stand against the Jewish people’s building of the Golden Calf. The Torah states there that Moses prayed to G-d for Aaron to be forgiven.
What is the deeper meaning of Moshe’s prayer? Why couldn’t Aaron pray for himself? What was the value of this prayer?
Rashi, the father of all commentaries, remarks: Moses prayed and “his prayers helped for two of Aaron’s sons to be saved, but not the remaining two.” The obvious question is why didn’t Moshe’s prayers have the strength to save all four of Aaron’s sons? Did he not have enough kavanah? Was he not sincere enough? Surely Moshe prayed with all his heart for his dear brother!
The answer, I believe, is that Moshe was not praying for Aaron to be forgiven, but rather he prayed that the example that Aaron portrayed in building the Golden Calf would not impact on Aaron’s children. Moshe’s prayer in essence was that Aaron’s children would not learn and take an example from their father’s conduct and say, “If Abba can do these things, then we can as well!” Moshe’s prayer was directed not so much to help Aaron but rather for his children – that they shouldn’t learn from the bad example of their father in this instance. To this Rashi states that Moshe’s prayer helped only with two of Aaron’s sons. Two, Nadav and Avihu, took the example from their father and acted inappropriately at the inauguration of the Tabernacle.
If I was to be asked why do children reject the Torah values of their parents, I would have to say that in many instances it is the parents who have inadvertently set the wrong example. The American Jewish scene is the most affluent and progressive in the history of the Jewish people. Never have we known such wealth and comfort. Never in our history have we been able to afford and provide for our children such benefits. The Internet has allowed us to accomplish so much more than we were able to do in all the years prior. The world is a different place. The possibilities are endless today.
I remember when I was growing up and had to write a research paper. I would slave in the local library, trying to find the books and sources that I needed. It took me hours – sometimes days – to complete the report. And then I would have to type it on a manual typewriter. Often if I made a mistake I would have to retype the entire page.
Today these things are at our fingertips with just a click of a key. It’s an amazing world we live in, filled with more opportunities than ever before.
But with these opportunities there must come responsibility as well. Parents must set limits for their children. They must act as role models for them at all times!
Children have the uncanny ability to see all our faults and to derive conclusions based on our actions, even if inadvertent. We cannot tell our children that cheating and lying is wrong when we might not be so truthful on our income tax return or are not honest in our daily actions. If we receive too much money back at the supermarket, do we set the example and return it to the cashier by saying “You gave me too much change”? Do we instruct our children to answer a phone call and then tell them to say to the caller that we are not home even if we are? Do we instruct our children that tzedakah is so important and yet when we are asked, we give the minimum?
Do we tell our children to respect all rabbis and yet we speak against their teachers and the local rabbi in their shul? Do we tell our children that the wealth that we have is only a gift from G-d and yet we use it as a weapon to get what we want and to influence teachers, rabbis, and schools just to get our way? Do we use our cell phones during davening and then expect our children not to text on Shabbat? In short, are we really acting as true role models for our children? Children mimic what they see and often stray because of the inconsistencies and the contradictions of their parents.
However, I believe that there is a second compelling reason that children drift from Torah values. It is the environment that we provide for them and the peer relationships that we encourage or allow.
Teachers, schools, and peers are powerful influences on our children. Parents must be super careful that their children socialize with the proper peer groups, that their teachers are sensitive and caring and their words said with love and compassion, and that the school they are sending their children to is a school that teaches the right middot and that the principal is not someone who sits in his office all day, but someone who interacts with the students, setting an example and showing them what it really means to be a practicing Jew.
Parents who see any shortcomings in these areas must take decisive action immediately, no matter how difficult, before it becomes too late. The influence of school and teachers and peers cannot be understated. It is vital that these areas are stable and correct if children are to learn proper middot and grow to become responsible Jews following our Torah and mitzvot.
It’s a formidable task. I have often remarked that we provide for our brides and grooms classes so that they are familiar with the laws of taharat hamishpacha (family purity), but we fail to provide them the wisdom of our Sages on how to be a good and responsible parent. We fail to impart to our teachers and principals the true art of teaching, as the Talmud states (Taanit 8a), “A child who is not a good student is a child whose teacher has not smiled upon them.”
It is these areas that we need to improve if we want to see a change in our children. It is not a quick cure. It will take years.
But we must begin somewhere!
