“And I will have you swear … that you do not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites … Rather, go to my land and my kindred and take a wife for my son, for Yitzchak” (Bereishis 24:3-4).
Our Sages note that Avraham Avinu’s family were idol worshippers like the Canaanites. Why was a woman from among them more preferable as a marriage partner for Yitzchak?
The great R’ Avraham of Sochachov, the Avnei Nezer, explains that the Canaanim were not only idol worshippers, but their middos were depraved and corrupt. Such character traits were deep-seated and ingrained in their genes. Therefore, when Avraham Avinu sought a wife for Yitzchak, he specified that he wanted Eliezer to find someone from his own family. Although they too were steeped in idol worship, they did not have the inborn immoral character traits of the Canaanim.
When seeking a marriage partner, it is important to stipulate positive character attributes, i.e. kindness, honesty, respect, dignity, and that was Eliezer’s criteria to determine whether Rivka was the appropriate match for Yitzchak.
Curiously, although Avraham Avinu completely trusted Eliezer as his administrator with regard to his estate and his wealth, when it came to finding a wife for Yitzchak, he made Eliezer take an oath to assure that he would carefully adhere to Avraham’s guidelines in choosing a wife for Yitzchak. Why?
Because in fact, one cannot compromise on good character traits, as they are the foundation of life itself, unlike money and property, which are not essential.
This principle is also used a little later to explain the pasuk (Bereishis 24:67), “… he married Rivkah … and Yitzchak was consoled after his mother.” It is asked why Yitzchak wasn’t consoled before then, when he had already been informed of the Heavenly signs that had indicated that Rivkah was his intended match. The Brisker Rav tells us that as long as the middos tovos (good character traits) between man and his fellow man are not evidenced, all the Heavenly signs would not be conclusive. It was only when Yitzchak saw that, when Rivkah entered the tent of his mother and all of Sarah’s blessings returned, he was consoled for the death of his mother.
R’ Yitzchak Chakar remarked that once, when HaGaon R’ Shlomo Zalman Auerbach was discussing the statement in the Talmud (Bava Kamma 2a), “There are four primary categories of damage: the ox, the pit, the tooth, and fire,” he commented on the Talmud’s lack of reference to the person, i.e., adam, who is responsible for the “ox, pit, tooth, and fire.” He noted that it would be difficult for the Mishna to refer to an individual who does not have middos tovos as an adam.
Our mission in this world is to try to perfect ourselves and to refine our middos in every area of life. R’ Yisroel Salanter writes that it is not an easy task to change one’s character flaws, and that it is necessary to exert oneself, just as a climber toils to reach the pinnacle of the mountain.
The Mishna in Pirkei Avos (5:22) says, “Hafoch bah v’hafoch bah d’kulah bah – Delve into it [the Torah] and continue to delve into it, for everything is in it; uvah techezei v’siv uv’leh vah – look deeply into it; grow old and gray over it, uminah la sazua – and do not stir from it; she’ein lecha middah tovah heimenah ….” It is interpreted homiletically: You can delve into the Talmud, folio after folio, until you have completed everything in it; a person can grow old and gray learning it, but he has still not mastered the art of perfecting his middos. The reason is he didn’t learn even one middah tovah so that he could refine his character.
The great baalei mussar dedicated their entire life to refining every character trait. R’ Yisroel Salanter, the founder of the mussar movement, was always extremely punctual in every aspect of his day – whether it was his arrival time for shiur, for davening, for a simcha, or for an appointment.
However, on one occasion he came late for a shiur. Since he was always so punctual, his disciples became concerned and went out to search for him. They were relieved when they found R’ Salanter near the ocean, pleading with a young woman.
When R’ Yisroel Salanter finally returned, he apologized for being late and explained that it had been a matter of urgency. He said that on his way to beis medrash, as he was crossing the bridge, he saw a woman ready to jump into the water and take her life. He confronted her and was able to detain her and get her to tell him what was wrong.
She respectfully told R’ Salanter that a number of calamities had struck her family. Her husband was ill and had been unable to work for a while. The horse had died leaving her with no means of earning any income at all. They had almost no food or medicine in the house. She had just given up all hope and had decided to jump into the river.
R’ Yisroel spoke to her gently and with great empathy. “Hashem can give you everything you need. You are young and your husband can be granted a refuah shleimah from Heaven, enabling him to return to work. In the interim I will send you money immediately to replace the horse.”
R’ Yisroel Salanter was able to calm down the woman and once he was sure that she was okay, he was able to return to the yeshiva.
A year later, R’ Yisroel Salanter was the sandek at her son’s bris.