Last week, we related how Rav Elyah Lopian, zt”l, zy”a, declared that having the strength to keep one’s mouth shut at the right time is a greater accomplishment than Avraham Avinu’s and Chananya, Mishael, and Azaryah’s going into a burning furnace.
I would like to tell you a story from the very beginning of my career teaching Torah to high school girls. My very first year of teaching was the 12th grade of Sara Schenirer High School in Boro Park (I would go on to teach at Kesser Bais Yaakov, and then for many years in Machon Bais Yaakov Seminary). During one of my first classes, a young lady asked me, “Rabbi Weiss, we are all wives in training. What would you say is the biggest talent we should practice to help us succeed at our marriages?” I answered her honestly that, “I’m new to this job and, since this is such a weighty question, I don’t want to answer you off-the-cuff.” Since I taught once a week, I told her that I’d research the question and come back with an answer next week.
The next week, I came into the classroom and told them that I had thoroughly investigated last week’s question and that I had found a response. However, I warned them ahead of time, they wouldn’t be satisfied with my answer. This got them even more curious. I told them that, in my opinion, the best skill they could develop is to know how to keep their mouth shut at the right time. I further informed them that they could practice this when they were having a disagreement with their parents.
As I forecast, they weren’t very impressed with this answer. After all, they wanted something that they felt they could deeply sink their teeth into. However, I stuck to my grounds and as proof, I said, “Let me give you a direct quote from the famous Igeres HaGra, the letter of the Vilna Gaon, zt”l, zy”a.” The Vilna Gaon says, “Kol rega v’rega she’adam choseim piv, zoche l’ohr haganuz she’ein kol malach u’beriah yecholim lisha’eir – For every moment that a person muzzles his mouth from saying what he shouldn’t, he will merit the hidden ethereal light that neither any angel nor mortal creature can even fathom.” He continues, “U’b’zeh y’chupar lo kol avon v’nitzel mishe’ol tachtis – And with this [skill of keeping the mouth closed] one will atone for his every sin and be saved from the netherworld of Gehennom.” But the Gaon is not finished. He ends with a flourish, “V’ha’ikar lizkos l’olam haba b’shmiras piv, v’zeh yoser mikol haTorah – And the primary way to merit the Afterlife is through the guarding of one’s mouth, and this [skill] is greater than any other aspect of the Torah.” Wow! What superlatives from the great Gaon of Torah, who everyone holds in awe.
This concept is consistent with the Gemara in Masechtas Sanhedrin that states categorically, “Adam la’amal peh nivrah – A person was created primarily for the toil of the mouth.” In other words, the greatest arena of achievement in life is in one’s control of their speech. The skill of keeping one’s mouth shut reminds me of a story with Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman, zt”l, zy”a. Rav Shteinman was told that the Chofetz Chaim said that a segula to control one’s anger is to hold onto his tzitzis. Rav Shteinman wryly said that he had a better segula. When asked what it was, he said, “When you want to get angry, keep your mouth shut.”
Of course, there is a behavior which is even loftier: To say something softly and nicely. As Shlomo HaMelech tells us in his wisdom, “Mahne rach meishiv cheimah – A soft answer rebuffs anger.” We are further taught, “U’lshon chachamim marpeh – The tongue of the wise is healing.” And the very great praise of the Eishis Chayil, the Woman of Valor is, “Toras chesed al lashona – The knowledge of kindness is upon her tongue.” This is primarily a woman that has the knowledge to say nice things to her husband in all situations.
There is one other caveat that must be added to this discussion. It is not always the right thing to keep quiet and refrain from expressing your frustration, displeasure, or hurt. There are times when, if a person bottles up their discontent, it will fester until they explode. Rather, here’s a good guide. As Rav Chaim Keller, zt”l, zy”a, said, “Anything that won’t bother you three hours from now, you shouldn’t talk about at all.” If it’s something of a more serious and permanent nature, then while you or your spouse are in “emotion-mind,” keep quiet and make up to talk things over when you’re both calm and willing to listen.
In the merit of keeping our mouths closed, may Hashem bless us with great peace, long life, good health, and everything wonderful.
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.
