In the beginning of Shacharis, we say Adon Olam. The Meforshim say that this is very appropriate since the Gemara tells us that Avraham Avinu was the first to refer to Hashem as Adon, Our Master, and Avraham Avinu was the one who created the prayer of Shacharis. However, even before saying Adon Olam, we find the prayer of Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov. The great Maharshal, zt”l, zy”a, deleted the first verse of Mah tovu and started only with the second verse, [V’]ani berov chas’d’cha avo veisecha. He explained that he omits Mah tovu since it was said by the wicked Bilaam. When Bilaam said it, he meant to curse Klal Yisrael.
The Likutei Mahari’ach, on the other hand, cites the Mateh Moshe. He was a great talmid of the Maharshal and yet he states that one should say the entire Mah tovu. The same is true with the siddur Rav Amrom, siddur of the Arizal, and the Darkei Moshe in the name of the Kol Bo.
Today, everyone says the complete pasuk, “Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov mishk’nosecha Yisrael – How great are your tents Yaakov and the sanctuaries of Yisrael.” The tent refers to the relations between a husband and a wife. And, as Bilaam observed, it is one of the beautiful ingredients of a good Jewish life.
The successful relationship between husband and wife makes the home into a sanctuary as it says, “Ish v’isha shalom beineihem, Shechina shruyah beineihem – A husband and wife, if there is peace between them, then the divine Presence dwells between them.” Shlomo HaMelech says in Mishlei, “B’ritzos Hashem darkei ish, gam oyvav yashlim ito – When Hashem likes the ways of man, even his enemies make peace with him.” The Medrash in Mishlei says that the word “enemies” refers to one’s wife for in the natural order of things, a husband and a wife, a male and a female, should be constantly at odds with each other. They are powered by different motors. He is interested in food and spirits; she is occupied with dresses and jewelry. He is into competition; she is into connection. How do these opposing forces live harmoniously? The pasuk tells us the key: When Hashem likes the ways of man, He grants them a divine tranquility.
This explains the puzzling Gemara which informs us that in Eretz Yisrael there was a custom that after a married couple lived together a short time, they would ask the groom, “Motza, o motzei?” meaning, Is she “motza,” a find like in the verse, “Motza isha motza tov – You find a woman, you find good,” or is she “motzei,” as in the verse, “Motzei ani es ha’isha maar mimaves – I find a women more bitter than death?” At first glance this is very perplexing. What are they asking him? Is it “Did you get a good one or did she turn out to be a lemon?” Even if it’s true that he got a bad deal, how could he give such an answer? It would be pure lashon hara, evil gossip. The truth is they are not asking him about the woman at all! They want to know if he is living properly for, if he is, then Hashem will give them harmony. If not, it can be more bitter than death.
This is the same idea behind the Gemara, which teaches us, “Zacha na’aseh lo eizer; lo zacha na’aseh k’negdo – If he merits, she becomes his helper. If he doesn’t, she becomes his opponent.” It all depends if he finds favor in the eyes of Hashem.
How does one live properly with his wife? The Gemara in Sanhedrin [19b] teaches us about the amazing personality, Palti ben Layish. Dovid HaMelech was married to Michal, the daughter of Shaul HaMelech. Shaul opined, through a halachic technicality, that Michal’s marriage to Dovid was void and he married her instead to Palti ben Layish. Palti was in a terrible halachic dilemma. He knew that the true halacha was like Dovid and therefore to take Michal as a wife would be halachic adultery. On the other hand, to desist from living with her would be mored b’malchus, to rebel against king Shaul, which is a sin punishable by death. So, he lived with her in the same bedroom – but he stuck a sword between the two beds – and was never intimate with her. The Gemara asks, but it says, “Vayeilech ita isha,” that her husband walked along side of her, and the word isha has a sexual connotation. The Gemara answers that he treated her like a husband.
Rashi explains this with two hugely important words, legad’lah u’lechaveva, he made her feel important and he made her feel wanted. These are two very important ingredients in the key to a sweet and loving relationship. Next week, we will discuss ways of how to implement these ideas.
In the zechus of working on a harmonious relationship, Hashem should bless us with sweet shalom bayis, long life, good health, and everything wonderful.
(To be continued)
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.
