Last week, we cited a fundamental Rashi which explains that the way for a man to treat his wife like a husband should is, legad’lah u’lechaveva, to make her feel important and wanted. Making her feel important is one of the commitments he makes to her in the kesubah when he says, “Anah eflach v’okir – I will work for and honor her.”
Let’s take a minute to appreciate this. A good Jew has to honor every person. As the Mishna says in Pirkei Avos, “Yehi ch’vod chavercha chaviv alecha k’shelach – Let the honor of your friend be as precious to you as your own.” Therefore, when a man commits himself in the kesubah to honor his wife, it means to honor her more than everyone else. This is consistent with what the Gemara teaches us in Yevamos: That a man should honor his wife more than himself. Among other things, this means that he should never cut her off in the middle of her sentence but rather allow her to express her feelings and her wants. He should never talk to her in a condescending or childish tone. Speaking to her with satire or sarcasm is also certainly not being respectful.
We do things for our own honor such as purchasing a stylish car, a handsome suit, an elegant pair of shoes, or a fancy new hat. We should remember that those things that make our wife feel honored, such as a nice sheitel, a beautiful dress, or nice jewelry, should take precedence to our own honor. That is the meaning of honoring her more than oneself, which the Rambam includes as one of the obligations of a husband to his wife.
In Megillat Esther (5:2), after Esther risked her life to approach Achashveirosh unbidden, the pasuk tells us, “Vayoshet hamelech l’Esther es sharvit hazahav asher b’yado v’tikrav Esther vatiga b’rosh hasharvit – Achashveirosh stretched out the golden scepter that was in his hand toward Esther and Esther approached and touched the tip of the scepter.” Rav Shamshon Ostropola, zt”l, zy”a, asks two questions. First, why does it have to say asher b’yado, the scepter which was in his hand? Obviously, if he stretched it out, it was in his hand. Second, why does it have to say that Esther touched b’rosh hasharvit, the tip of the scepter? It could have said simply that she touched it.
Rav Shamshon brilliantly explains that Achashveirosh, with a loving gesture, reversed the scepter and offered her the part that had been in his hand. This demonstrated that as his queen, she not only could come in unbidden but she also had the right to allow others to enter, as he does. Esther responded by matching his respect and only touched the original tip of the scepter demonstrating, “I am only but one of your humble subjects.” Rav Shamshon concludes that when each spouse shows respect to the other, that is the way to make a happy, healthy home.
Rav Dinner, zt”l, zy”a, when singing Eishes Chayil, had a custom. When he reached the verse, “V’at alis al kulonah – And you tower above them all,” he and the rest of the family would point to his wife. When he was already an old man, Reb Yaakov Kamenetsky, zt”l, zy”a, would sit by the window and listen carefully for when his wife would arrive with the shopping so that he could run out and help her with the bags.
By one of the keynote sessions of the Agudah convention, Reb Yaakov and Rav Shneur Kotler were walking in to sit at the dais. They were somewhat late and there were close to a thousand people already in the hall. Reb Shneur suggested that they enter through the kitchen which led up directly to the dais so as not to trouble the entire crowd to stand up for them. This follows the recommendation of the Gemara, “Man d’makif chayyai – One who takes a circuitous route (as not to trouble people to stand up) will live.” Reb Yaakov insisted that they should enter through the main door, explaining that their wives were in attendance and they sacrifice much when people come knocking at all hours of the day and night. Therefore, they deserved to see us being honored.
Rashi’s second definition of behaving like a husband is l’chaveva, to show her that she is wanted and desired. A husband can accomplish this by showing her that he is happy when she calls, by demonstrating that he is making time to spend with her, by getting her thoughtful gifts (figuring out things that she would like to receive), and writing her loving cards. Saying nice things about her to her relatives and friends also is a great way to make her feel important and wanted.
I remember that one time Rav Moshe Feinstein’s, zt”l, zy”a, Rebbetzin was in Eretz Yisrael. On the day that she was scheduled to return, Reb Moshe kept on asking me whether the Rebbetzin had arrived. I realized that although he was in his late 80s, he wanted to walk from the bungalow all the way to the parking lot – a great distance – in order to personally greet her upon her arrival. That left an indelible impression upon me, of how a husband is supposed to show a wife that she is wanted.
I’m sure the reader can come up with other ways to show their spouse that they are important and desired. The main thing is that we should have these missions in mind and focus upon them often. In this merit, may Hashem bless us with a happy home, long life, good health, and everything wonderful.
Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.
