“Yitzchak loved Eisav for trapping was in his mouth but Rivka loved Yaakov” (Bereishis 25:28.
The Medrash HaGadol asks: Is it possible that Yitzchak was fooled by Eisav and even loved him? We learn (Tehillim 139:21), “For those who hate You, Hashem, I hate them …” so why did Yitzchak love him? He showed Eisav love in order to be able to prevail upon him and bring him closer. If he would distance himself from Eisav and display his dislike, Eisav would surely not be influenced to improve his ways. Our Sages teach us (Sotah 47a), “The left should push away, and the right draws him near.” Therefore, Yitzchak loved Eisav – not because he had great food – but because he saw that in the future Eisav’s descendant would be Ovadiah, the convert who risked his life to save 100 prophets hiding in a cave from Queen Izevel.
Rashi cites the Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 63:10) that Eisav conned Yitzchak with his words. For example, he would ask Yitzchak how one would tithe salt or straw, pretending that he was meticulous in his observance of the mitzvos.
Again, we have to say that Yitzchak surely knew what Eisav was all about. He saw that Eisav had not been successful in refining his middos and there was much room for improvement. But the fact that he was trying to present himself as a good person suggested the possibility that he wasn’t all bad and had not thrown off the yoke of the Heavenly kingdom. This indicated to Yitzchak that it was still worthwhile to make an effort to save Eisav, to make him a better person.
The administration of a yeshiva was debating whether or not a bachur who was not suited to learn in their yeshiva should be dismissed. The mashgiach, though, kept trying to bring him close, to guide him on the proper path, and to encourage his spiritual growth.
On Shabbos afternoons, for example, the bachur was especially disrespectful and inappropriate. While most of the boys in yeshiva were resting, he would go into the beis medrash and sit on the mashgiach’s personal chair, as he casually cracked a pile of nuts. He would allow the shells to fall on the mashgiach’s shtender, and when he was finished, he would leave behind the entire pile of shells on the shtender. When the mashgiach would come for Mincha, he would have to personally clean up and discard all the shells into the garbage.
The mashgiach never inquired who was doing this. One Shabbos afternoon, the mashgiach came into the beis medrash to grab a sefer. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the bachur sitting in his chair and cracking nuts, but he pretended not to see him.
Days passed and the bachur was curious whether the mashgiach had seen him. When the boys questioned the mashgiach, he responded that if he had indicated that he had seen that bachur, the bachur would no longer be in yeshiva.
The Sefer Vayedaber comments that we can learn much from this incident. This perspicacious mashgiach understood that it would be better not to see him. This is a principle that is important for parents to understand as well. They are obligated to give their children a proper chinuch, but not to be the police.
The Ben Ish Chai says that since Rivka loved Yaakov, if Yitzchak too were to follow his true sentiments and love Yaakov, they would only be looking out for Yaakov’s good. When Eisav would see this, he would be troubled and have reason to hate Yaakov. Yitzchak felt, therefore, that it was important to balance the situation so that Eisav should not sense his failings.
This is corroborated in the pasuk, “Yitzchak loved Eisav” – because he saw his potential and also because “Rivka loved Yaakov,” and he wanted to even the playing field for Eisav.
When dealing with the education of a child, especially in our generation, every child needs to know that his parents love him unconditionally, regardless of his conduct. Such a relationship usually yields positive results, as the child, in turn, is reluctant to upset his parents more than he feels they deserve.
The Torah prohibition of ona’as devarim – causing pain to another individual with one’s words – is not permissible even with regard to children.
Rambam in Hilchos Avadim (9:8) spells out how one should conduct himself with his Canaanite slave so as not to offend his honor. “He should not shout or vent his anger on him excessively … he should not embarrass him with words … he should speak to him gently.”
Is one’s son or daughter any less worthy than a Canaanite slave? The Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Dei’ah (240) writes that one is forbidden to be overly strict with his children regarding the honor that is due to him. It is better to sometimes turn a blind eye and to forgive them, rather than to severely reprimand them for a perceived slight. A parent who forgives his honor, his honor is forgiven. (It is not proper, though, for a parent to forgive all matters concerning his honor.) A parent should not comport himself in the role of his children’s “master,” and should certainly be careful to always be sensitive to his children’s dignity and trust, especially in public.