Last week I began my response to a reader, a single woman about to turn 30, who resents the “shidduch crisis” label and feels it personally belittles her and so many others in her situation.
“I’m not a crisis,” was the way she poignantly phrased it.
After going through countless shidduch dates and feeling frustrated by the pressure she was getting from family members and friends who wondered whether she was being too picky, she moved from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The neighborhood has a reputation as a singles’ haven but it turned out to be a disappointment.
While she found many singles at various events and dinners at synagogues, organizations, and private homes, she found the same people kept showing up, and while there was a warm camaraderie among them, it was that very camaraderie that worked against shidduchim, since the singles looked at each other as good friends rather than as potential spouses.
Picking up from last week, I would say this to the young woman: The answer to your question about making the right shidduch connection is right in front of your face.
But precisely because it’s right in front of you, you may not see it. Very often in our search we don’t notice that which is before our very eyes. It’s like searching everywhere for your eyeglasses when all along they’ve been sitting on the table. So let’s find the lenses that will enable you to see the treasures right before you.
You are living on the Upper West Side. Don’t listen to all the naysayers who would discourage you from going out with this one or that one simply because you are already friends and know each other. If anything, it’s precisely because you are friends, precisely because you already know each other, that you might just make perfect marriage partners.
Under the chuppah we call husband and wife re’im v’ahuvim – loving, kind friends. Yes, the most beautiful way to describe the relationship of husband and wife is to say they are loving, kind friends. To explain the far-reaching implications of this, I’ll share a chassidic tale.
A rebbe was traveling from village to villagedisseminating the teachings of our Torah to local congregations. One night when he stopped at an inn and was waiting for the key to his room, he overheard two drunkards talking to one another over their whiskey.
“Ivan,” one of them asked the other, “are you my friend?”
“Of course I’m your friend,” came the answer.
“But do you love me?”
“Of course I love you.”
“So, Ivan, if you love me, tell me what hurts me.”
“How should I know what hurts you? You never told me.”
“Ivan, if you really loved me, if you were truly my friend, I wouldn’t have to tell you. You would know what hurts me.”
That’s what defines loving, kind friends – they feel one another’s heart. They can walk in silence and yet communicate. Without uttering a word they can look into each other’s eyes and speak volumes. Their smiles alone can be a balm for the hurts and wounds of the other.
As you may know, our Hineni organization is located on the West Side. Over the years I have had the privilege of making countless shiddichum for residents of that lovely and warm community. Yes, many of them already were good friends – and they become even better friends after marriage.
So don’t be afraid to embark upon a new road. Take a second look at friends and consider whether they might be shidduch candidates. Among the many singles you know, there just might be one. Remember, you only need one.