Last week I began my response to a reader, a single woman about to turn 30, who resents the “shidduch crisis” label and feels it personally belittles her and so many others in her situation.
“I’m not a crisis,” was the way she poignantly phrased it.
After going through countless shidduch dates and feeling frustrated by the pressure she was getting from family members and friends who wondered whether she was being too picky, she moved from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The neighborhood has a reputation as a singles’ haven but it turned out to be a disappointment.
While she found many singles at various events and dinners at synagogues, organizations, and private homes, she found the same people kept showing up, and while there was a warm camaraderie among them, it was that very camaraderie that worked against shidduchim, since the singles looked at each other as good friends rather than as potential spouses.
Picking up from last week, I would say this to the young woman: The answer to your question about making the right shidduch connection is right in front of your face.
But precisely because it’s right in front of you, you may not see it. Very often in our search we don’t notice that which is before our very eyes. It’s like searching everywhere for your eyeglasses when all along they’ve been sitting on the table. So let’s find the lenses that will enable you to see the treasures right before you.
You are living on the Upper West Side. Don’t listen to all the naysayers who would discourage you from going out with this one or that one simply because you are already friends and know each other. If anything, it’s precisely because you are friends, precisely because you already know each other, that you might just make perfect marriage partners.
Under the chuppah we call husband and wife re’im v’ahuvim – loving, kind friends. Yes, the most beautiful way to describe the relationship of husband and wife is to say they are loving, kind friends. To explain the far-reaching implications of this, I’ll share a chassidic tale.
A rebbe was traveling from village to village disseminating the teachings of our Torah to local congregations. One night when he stopped at an inn and was waiting for the key to his room, he overheard two drunkards talking to one another over their whiskey.
“Ivan,” one of them asked the other, “are you my friend?”
“Of course I’m your friend,” came the answer.
“But do you love me?”
“Of course I love you.”
“So, Ivan, if you love me, tell me what hurts me.”
“How should I know what hurts you? You never told me.”
“Ivan, if you really loved me, if you were truly my friend, I wouldn’t have to tell you. You would know what hurts me.”
That’s what defines loving, kind friends – they feel one another’s heart. They can walk in silence and yet communicate. Without uttering a word they can look into each other’s eyes and speak volumes. Their smiles alone can be a balm for the hurts and wounds of the other.
As you may know, our Hineni organization is located on the West Side. Over the years I have had the privilege of making countless shiddichum for residents of that lovely and warm community. Yes, many of them already were good friends – and they become even better friends after marriage.
So don’t be afraid to embark upon a new road. Take a second look at friends and consider whether they might be shidduch candidates. Among the many singles you know, there just might be one. Remember, you only need one.
Above all, don’t allow the word “crisis” to paralyze you. As I pointed out last week, from “crisis” new life can emerge, new energies can be born – and new homes can be created.
From the genesis of Jewish history shidduchim always presented a formidable problem. When our father Abraham realized his days on earth were numbered he summoned the loyal executor of his estate. Abraham was the wealthiest man of his time. But when he called upon his executor to take an oath with regard to his estate, it did not pertain to real estate, livestock, jewels, servants, etc. Abraham’s only concern was the girl who would be chosen to be his son Isaac’s wife.
So a “shidduch crisis” existed even in the days of our father Abraham and has continued throughout the generations.
Making shidduchim is a Jewish parent’s most important undertaking. From the moment a baby is born we pray, “l’Torah, l’chuppah, u’maasim tovim” – “to Torah, to the marriage canopy, and righteous deeds.” We know that selecting the right spouse will be the most crucial decision in the life of this new child. It is through marriage, and the formation of faithful, G-d-fearing homes, that the Jewish people survive.
In conclusion, stand straight, smile, and let your heart be filled with faith and joy. Your basherte is waiting. He’s already here. You must only make the connection. And pray. In our morning prayers we make the blessing of pokeach ivrim – “blessed be G-d who opens the eyes of the blind.” When you say those words, stop for a moment, focus, and beseech the Almighty to open your eyes so that you might clearly see your intended and he in turn might see you.
If you wish, I would be very happy to speak with you and help guide you on the road to the right shidduch. Perhaps I can help you find that connection.
May you have a mazel tov very soon!