You mentioned that you didn’t expect a response. Nevertheless, there are two reasons why I’m replying.
In the first part of your letter you wrote that many people gave positive recommendations about your then-fiancée without mentioning or even alluding to her illness.
In previous articles on shidduchim I have written about people who are reluctant to say something negative lest they be regarded as spreaders of lashon hara and spoilers of a potential shidduch opportunity.
Even as you did not detect a problem during your dating period, so too others may not have seen a problem with her. (It is also possible that no one knew about her issues. Medications can mask conditions that erupt later.)
So when you ask for references it is important that you ask for any bit of information you can think of from parents, dorm counselors, close friends, etc. Your inquiries must be so specific that people will not be able to rationalize, “They didn’t ask such and such, so why should I volunteer the information?”
My second reason for responding is that I want to tell the community at large that your letter should give us all pause. We should all give some thought as to how we can help ease the burdens of victims of broken families.
It doesn’t make a difference whether the divorced people we know are men or women. We should invite them to our homes for Shabbos and Yom Tov. Now, before Pesach, we should make a special effort to find out if someone needs a home for a Seder.
Try being a shadchan. (By the way, in this regard it is the men who have the advantage; women are not given as many recommendations as their male counterparts, especially if the women have children). Remind those who are divorced that miracles do happen; that every shidduch is a miracle. Above all, give them hope and faith, strength and inspiration, to daven for Hashem’s help.
The fact is, divorcees suffer on both sides of the mechitzah – as do children and grandparents. In short, when someone is hurting in a family, everyone is hurting.
We should strive to be a blessing to all families who have been shattered, reminding them and thereby reminding ourselves that the key to a good life is to maintain a positive attitude.
Above all, we must teach ourselves and others that when darkness encompasses us and we feel hopeless, we need only remember our mission. Let us reach beyond ourselves and become a blessing to others. If we do, we will become a blessing to ourselves.
