Last week I shared a letter from a woman who was having difficulty coping with the pressures of children, grandchildren, and an ailing mother-in-law all descending on her for Sukkos. She realized many would take umbrage at her complaint – after all, to have a large family come home to you is a huge blessing – but she noted that difficulties can also be found in blessings. She very much wanted to bury those difficulties rather than give voice to them, but she was simply overwhelmed.
The following is my response:
Dear Friend,
I understand the stress you feel but the solution is at your fingertips. You need only look around to discover them: your daughters and daughters-in-law. They are your live-in help during their visits. But you must enlist their aid.
In a kind, loving voice they need to be told that while nothing on earth makes you happier than seeing them and the beautiful grandchildren, your home is not a fancy hotel.
At this point your husband should take over the conversation: “It’s not like it was when you were small children and Mommy had boundless energy,” he should say. “Today Mommy needs help.”
It’s important that your husband be the one to make these points. It’s always preferable when someone speaks on your behalf. It’s proper for your husband to say to the children, “Mommy and I are so happy to see you. It’s our biggest nachas to have you with us but we can’t expect Mommy to spend her whole day on her feet in the kitchen preparing one holiday meal one after another plus attend to the needs of all the grandchildren.
“Don’t forget, after Yom Tov Mommy has to go back to work. She takes subways and buses. She keeps the house running. She deals with a thousand and one other things. True, you have two single sisters who want to help and who adore your children, but don’t take advantage of them. Remember, they also have friends and their own social lives.
“And that’s not all. Your husbands have to know there are no waitresses or waiters. Yes, there is a director, and that’s Mommy. Precisely because she is the director, you have to ask her what you can do and follow her directions.”
Again, I emphasis it is your husband who must say this, since it would sound judgmental and unwelcoming coming from you. If your husband is soliciting help for you, the girls will feel they are doing a chesed for you – and that’s something they’ll feel good about. But if you yourself made this request you would sound nasty and, G-d forbid, it might even bring an end to family visitations.
Boundaries must be set in every home. Parents and children are not pals. They are not equals. Families are democracies where everyone has a vote but the mother and father are king and queen and the children are loyal soldiers. Yes, mothers are here to take care of their children when they are young. But in Yiddish babies are called mamaleh and tataleh and indeed there comes a time when those babies will assume the mommy and daddy roles in relation to their parents. At that point it is they who take care of their parents who no longer have the same strength to take care of themselves. Now it is mommy and daddy who need pampering, kind attention, loving words.
I realize this doesn’t sound like a normal American family where the parents are always in the giving position and hardly ever given; where children always feel entitled and never indebted. The Torah world, however, is different: the children are the ones called upon to give. The children are the ones who say, “Mommy, Daddy, relax, let me help.”