Two weeks ago I shared a letter from a bewildered mother who was having difficulty coping with the pressures of children, grandchildren, and an ailing mother-in-law descending on her for Sukkos. She realized many people would take umbrage at her complaint – after all, to have a large family come home to you is a huge blessing – but she noted that difficulties can also be found in blessings. She very much wanted to bury those obstacles and not give voice to them but she was just overwhelmed.
The first part of my response, in which I suggested that the woman’s husband tell her daughters and daughters-in-law that they must help out their mother, appeared last week. This is the conclusion:
Allow me to give you some working tools that will enable you to better cope with your family dilemma. I appreciate that you feel like an ingrate when you complain about the greatest blessing a person could hope for – a large family in good health uniting to celebrate Yom Tov. But as you indicated, very often blessings are accompanied by challenges and those challenges obscure the blessings. They present irritations and problems.
Those who are familiar with my columns, books, and public addresses know that one of my favorite quotes from our sages is (referring to our Torah): “Hafoch ba hafoch ba, de’kula ba – Turn it and turn it, for everything is in it.” So let us turn the pages and specifically focus on the Hebrew language and the teachings of Torah. If you study those words in the holy tongue it will become easier to deal with your challenges.
In the holy tongue every word is definitive. Mother-in-law is “chamah – warm like sunshine.” In contrast, in English mother-in-law literally means someone whose relationship to you is by law, and that is a totally different concept. Not by love, not by attachment, not by respect, but by “law.” In other words, your relationship with her is an obligation and is not necessarily a pleasant experience. She does not necessarily reflect sunshine or warmth, as attested to by the many distasteful mother-in-law jokes that permeate our culture.
I’ve always been offended by mother-in-law jokes and caricatures. Mothers-in-law are not caricatures nor are they one’s “mother by law.” They are the mothers of our spouses and that makes them a precious gift. But surely there’s more to it than that. Why does the holy tongue refer to mothers-in-law as sunshine when so many people in our society believe they are just the opposite – busybodies who interfere with shalom bayis?
One day you will have to take the journey on which every human being must eventually embark. When that time arrives, there are no excuses. You have to go. You cannot protest that you haven’t packed yet or that you can’t find your passport or tickets. There is no allowance for more time. When the “officer” comes he announces, “You have to go. I will escort you to the door and close it behind you.”
When that door is shut there is no going back. You can never again open it. You beseech the commander, “Please, I left in the middle of my task. There was so much more I had to do. I didn’t even have an opportunity to say good-by to my family and friends. Please let me go back.” But the commander doesn’t crack a smile and he pushes you forward to stand in front of the King.
“What did you accomplish when you were on your journey?” the King demands to know.
“Well,” you stammer, “I always related to my mother-in-law as ‘chamah –my sunshine.’ I worked very hard to respect her, and I viewed her as sunshine, which gives light, warmth, and health.”