This letter arrived too close to Sukkos to be published before the holiday. The problem it details is not limited to a particular Yom Tov but is one that families deal with throughout the year.
Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis,
In a sense I’m embarrassed to write this letter. I know in my heart that I am wrong. I feel ashamed that I am complaining and yet I know you will understand and not dismiss my concerns with sarcastic statements or be judgmental.
Baruch Hashem, I am the mother of six children; four of them are married and two girls, ages 17 and 14, are still at home. All my married children, who live in different parts of the world – Chicago, Los Angeles, Jerusalem, and Tzfas – are coming for Sukkos.
Between them I have, B”H, 25 grandchildren. (That in itself is a challenge – just to make everyone comfortable, give them their own space, prepare meals, arrange things to keep them busy, etc.) I am happily awaiting the whole mishpachah. It’s so beautiful to see everyone sitting around the table in the sukkah. That’s what picture postcards are made of.
Now let’s go to real life. My widowed mother-in-law has no place to go. My husband’s family is not very inviting and he asked that we invite his mom for Sukkos. How could I say no? I often hear seniors in my shul telling one another in Yiddish, “G-d should help every parent from having to appeal to their children for help or support.” I never quite understood those words but I have come to be more sensitive to the needs of elderly people, to those who feel so alone despite having children and families.
So of course I told my husband I would be honored and happy to have his mother for Sukkos. Now, this presented me with extra challenges. My mother-in-law needs constant help and attention, as do the grandchildren. I also have another problem: my daughters, when they come to visit, are anxious to see their friends and go places with them. It’s nice to reconnect and they feel in my home it’s easy enough, with my two single daughters and me as “built-in” babysitters.
My teenage daughters are happy to help out. They adore their nieces and nephews. But they also want to have a good time with their own friends and resent being put into a babysitting situation for the entire Yom Tov. And when my children come home they think they’re coming on vacation: Dirty diapers and laundry are tossed all over the place, as are toys and other belongings. Dirty dishes pile up in the kitchen.
Some readers are no doubt asking,, “Why don’t you get help?” I do, but I can’t afford help on a daily basis. I have a housekeeper who comes twice a week but no sooner does she leave than the house is a mess again.
My mother-in-law is another problem. She wants to go to shul. She tells me she never has an opportunity to do so. It takes a long time to prepare her and an even longer time to get out of the house. No sooner do we arrive at the shul than she tells me she is not feeling well and thinks she should go home and rest. Now it starts all over again in reverse – going up the steps and making the slow trek back to the house.
Additionally, she has difficulty hearing but won’t even entertain the idea of a hearing aid. Conversation is very difficult. I tell her something and she insists I never said it. And when the children are here the problem is even more exasperating. They talk to her and she responds, but in a painfully disconnected manner.