Avot 4:18
Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar said: Do not try to appease your friend during his hour of anger, nor comfort him at the hour while his dead still lies before him, nor question him at the hour of his vow, nor strive to see him in the hour of his disgrace.
“There is a season for everything and a time for every experience under Heaven.” Kohelet’s famous insight aptly frames Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar’s message in our Mishna. The previous Mishna adjured us to capitalize on powerful moments. This Mishna, writes Abarbanel, advocates self-control to not capitalize on moments. At certain emotionally charged times, we may have charitable intentions to help a friend, but without fully understanding social situations, our intervention can backfire. Social and emotional contexts matter. Sometimes it is better not to act.
Emotional hijacking, as Daniel Goleman describes in his best-selling book Emotional Intelligence, happens when our brains are overrun by feelings, making rational thinking and decision-making challenging. Our brain chemistry at these times is quite literally different than when we are not overwhelmed by affect. Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar seems to be applying this insight to social situations as well. If we want to assist a friend in need, we must know how emotions impact not just ourselves, but other people. When someone else is emotionally hijacked, our well-intentioned methods can potentially exacerbate the situation.
Rabbi Ovadiah Sforno writes that the four scenarios described in our Mishna are ones where the other person is not in full control of his responses. His free will is compromised by emotion. We must fully empathize and understand the other person’s perspective to be of optimal assistance.
Do not try to appease your friend during his hour of anger
Attempting to appease another when he is angry, writes Rabbi Menachem HaMeiri, could lead to the person feeling invalidated and becoming even more angry. Telling someone to calm down often backfires. He may assume that you don’t really care about what is so clearly essential to him. This is a fundamental principle in the therapeutic context. A person needs to feel validated before there is any chance of changing.
Nor comfort him at the hour while his dead still lies before him
Addressing the second situation listed in the Mishna, known in halachic literature as aninut, Rabbi Soloveitchik writes:
Aninut signifies the immediate reaction to the death of a loved one, the unrestricted gloom and unsounded depths of excruciating grief which render the mourner speechless and confounded. The impact of the emotion is stupendous. Man becomes aware of the worthlessness and absurdity of life, and his distress knows no limits. The halacha does not attempt to check this feeling of bereavement – it lets man sink in the abyss of despair at the first encounter with death. It relieves him of all halachic duties since, because of the painful experience, he is not free to act.
Halacha acknowledges, validates, and accepts the emotional hijacking that comes along with the tragedy of aninut. The message of the Mishna, which is also reflected in Jewish law, is that it is often inappropriate and insensitive to attempt to console someone too early in the mourning process.
Nor question him at the hour of his vow
While taking a vow is not a common occurrence in contemporary times, when people used to take vows, it was often in response to an intense emotional experience. To immediately question someone’s choice to make a vow demonstrates a lack of awareness of that person’s mindset. While you may be thinking long-term, challenging the impetuousness of the commitment in the moment will not help. It may even lead the person to make even more extreme commitments.
Nor strive to see him in the hour of his disgrace
Finally, when it comes to seeing your friend when he is ashamed, either from bad circumstances or from self-inflicted failure, it is appropriate to give that person space. Your presence may accentuate a feeling of shame.
Despite these important suggestions, these are not inflexible directives. If a friend expresses a desire for help even in these situations, being there for him even, or perhaps especially, in these moments would be beneficial. Rabbi Yosef ben Shoshan notes that there are certain close relationships where Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar’s advice would not apply. Those friends should appease, comfort, and question, even in these charged moments.
As we pointed out when we began, context matters. There is a time to be present and a time to be silent. Knowing which to choose in each scenario requires grappling with our cherished texts and applying the values with socially astute and emotionally intelligent wisdom.
