Before we say angry words, we control them. After angry words are said, they control you.
Your husband left the dirty dishes in the sink…again. Your son forgot to call to let you know that he will be home late. Your daughter said something insulting to you. Your mother was “less than helpful” when it came to shopping for dresses. Family members have that knack for saying or doing things that make us angry, and drive us crazy.
So what should we do?
In this beautiful conversation with Rebbetzin Natalie Ciner, rebbetzin of Beth Jacob Congregation of Irvine, California, we learn how to navigate challenging relationships with wisdom and kindness.
The first things we learn are that anger is a natural emotion, and marriage is a vehicle for growth. The way we manage our emotions in relationships is a pathway for our own personal growth and elevation. So how do we do that?
1. See marriage as a growth opportunity. Your spouse is a mirror for the areas in which we need to grow. (It can be uncomfortable to look inside ourselves and see that there are things we need to change. It can be painful. However, it’s important to know that the things our spouse says and does can be important messages for our own inner work and self growth—if we are brave enough to look inside and interpret them that way.)
2. Instead of being frustrated, try to see what this particular person (your spouse, child, family member, etc.) is trying to teach you,
3. Judge your spouse favorably. Assume the best of the situation, instead of assuming the worst.
4. Express your needs. Don’t look to blame the other person.
5. Strengthen your connection and bond with your husband. Spend quality time with him. You can go out on dates, walks, spend time together in the house, or do anything else that brings you close together and builds connection.
When you build a good quality, healthy relationship, it will become easier for you to solve life’s inevitable challenges and issues together, without a significant build up of anger. However, anger does come up–we are human, after all. So what do we do when we get angry? How can we express our feelings constructively?
1. Pause before reacting. Make space between yourself and your reaction. Go for a walk. Go out of the room. Take deep breaths. Take a break. Give yourself time and space to calm down before responding
2. Talk to yourself with soothing, positive self-talk. Show yourself compassion for the feelings you are experiencing, and provide yourself with soothing words and strength. Once you have gotten yourself under control, you will better be able to handle the situation with grace, and not blame.
3. Use this challenge, disagreement, or situation with this person as an opportunity for self-reflection.
4. Use “I” statements. Say things like “I felt hurt when you didn’t call me when you were running late,” instead of “You drive me crazy when you don’t call me when you are late! It’s so inconsiderate of you!” Using I statements allows you to express your feelings, instead of blaming someone. Look for solution, not for blame.
To be connected to Rebbetzin Nathalie, please email Vera Kessler, host of America’s Top Rebbetzins at [email protected]
