Dear Dr. Respler,
I am writing to you about the shidduch crisis from the point of view of the girls. On a personal level my own children are all happily married. However, I have close friends and family members who have amazing daughters that are just not married. These girls are in their late 20s and 30s and I try so hard for them. However, somehow between having an unfair ratio of good girls to good boys and the girls and their mothers making all kinds of demands, shidduchim are not happening for these girls. I don’t recall having such a stressful time in my own generation. One of the issues that is different is that in my times very Orthodox people did mingle and met on their own. Now the norm is to have a shidduch resume and even a picture where the girl gets presented. Unfortunately, the rich and very pretty girls have an edge and so many of my friends and extended family members are struggling. I know mothers of boys also have their challenges, but overall, the boys seem to have more choices and my friends and family tell me that their sons usually get married more easily than their daughters.
Baruch Hashem, all my children got married young. Please give me insight into this challenge so that I can help my friends and family more effectively. These women are really struggling.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I discussed your issue with a good friend of mine, Risselle Naimark, who is a shadchan. Some of the problems she noted are that there are mothers of daughters that are looking for shidduchim for themselves, not necessarily for husbands that will be appropriate for their daughters. If a mother looks for a husband for her daughter that will put her on the map and upgrade her, she is not being realistic. Such a mother is acting entitled and may think that money can buy the right shidduch, but money cannot buy a healthy marriage. Some mothers want to fix their child and seek to find a shidduch to compensate for what is missing in their child. This can lead to serious problems.
Another issue is when a girl sees parents who have a great marriage with a father who is successful in all areas. That father is in his 50s and a boy in his 20s cannot compare to a man who has had years to work on developing himself. While it is beautiful that some girls/women want to marry someone like their fathers, it is imperative that they realize that no 22-23-year-old will be as developed or amazing as their fathers. Finding a “normal” and “good” guy is hard enough, we can’t compare them to men who have worked on themselves for years.
There are mothers who are looking for a son-in-law who will compensate for all the things their own husbands are missing. They approach the shidduch scene hoping for a do over of their own marriages and live vicariously through their children. It is unhealthy to live through your children. We must let our children grow and develop their own lives. Mothers must not be selfish. They must look for a shidduch that is good for their daughters, not for themselves.
Another problem is when mothers behave in an extreme manner, either by micromanaging their daughter’s shidduchim [being authoritarian], or by being too relaxed and uninvolved, laissez-faire. With extremes, by the time the girls get older, they disconnect.
To make shidduchim work, people must look to qualify, not disqualify. An inclusive attitude will generate more healthy marriages. We have to do our hishtadlus and try our hardest to be open minded and have a healthy attitude. This will allow Hashem to shower His bracha on us and help us navigate this challenging time. Hatzlacha!