My daughter is getting serious with a young man and things are progressing nicely. During a casual conversation, this bochur mentioned that all his friends received Rolexes as their chassan gifts. I can’t afford a Rolex. What advice would you give me on how to approach this situation?
I appreciate this question because it highlights a financial pain point for many families. It also raises a broader issue that all frum families should consider. Before jumping into the heart of the question, let’s take a step back and provide some background for readers:
What is a chassan gift? The concept of a chassan gift, which is a present (often a watch) that a groom receives from his prospective in-laws upon his engagement, may be unfamiliar to some readers. I personally never heard of the term until my 20s, and even then, it seemed strange. Why exactly am I receiving a high-end watch? It just doesn’t seem to fit for someone young, earning little money, and with modest, if any, assets.
As much as I’d like to dismiss the custom as silly, there is a long-standing Jewish tradition of a young man receiving a gift upon his engagement. The custom is rooted in the idea of honoring and supporting the groom as he enters marriage. It began as a way for the bride’s family to show respect, strengthen the bond between families, and provide the groom with items that would help him fulfill his new spiritual and communal roles. Hundreds of years ago, the Ashkenazic tradition was for the bride’s family to give the groom religious items, such as a shtender or tallis. These gifts symbolized his new responsibilities in Torah study and prayer. In some Sephardic communities, gifts were more focused on jewelry, clothing, or household items.
When my grandparents married in 1955, my great-grandmother gave my zeidy a gigantic set of Shas. My Eastern European great-grandmother, born in 1900, undoubtedly inherited the minhag of giving the new chassan a gift from previous generations in the Old Country. In Judaism, we take our minhagim very seriously, preserving our traditions and providing a link to all previous generations.
Affordability: The first consideration in gift giving is what the bride’s family can afford. Remember, the tradition is to give a gift, not necessarily a high-end watch. A tallis is a wonderful and practical gift, and it doesn’t cost the same as a Rolex. I want to state explicitly that putting one’s finances in jeopardy to purchase a chassan gift is the wrong approach. It is imprudent, illogical, short-sighted, and sets the wrong tone. However, if you can afford to buy your son-in-law a nice piece of jewelry costing thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, that is your prerogative.
Messaging: The message you send with your choice of gift is also an important consideration. It can send a message to the young couple about priorities and values. A gift of Judaica or seforim sets the tone for the importance of Torah learning and Yiddishkeit in everyday life. Other gifts may be less overtly Jewish but offer practical value when starting a life together, such as a reliable car, a laptop for work, or furniture.
While a watch is a nice gift, it has little utility for a newly married couple. My personal thoughts on an expensive gift for a young groom may be unpopular, but many families in our community are struggling with the basics. Being more judicious with one’s choice of gift and decisions leading up to the wedding can help set the chassan and kallah on a positive financial trajectory. There is time for the young man to indulge in an expensive piece of jewelry once he earns some money and becomes financially established.
Broader context: In the same spirit, there is much the frum community can, and should, do to reduce the costs of the wedding process. It all broadly relates to being mindful about unnecessary large financial outlays. I’ve written about this in a previous column. Remember, the costs of a chassunah are not limited to the ceremony itself. The rings, the chassan gift, the yichud room gift, and many other elements make the entire process of getting married a financial struggle for too many. There is significant frustration and kvetching about the high cost of living a frum lifestyle, but not enough questioning of the onerous and unnecessary expenses we self-impose. The truth is, it’s time to put an end to lavish wedding gifts and instead focus on items that are more practical for helping a young couple start their life together.
Answer: In terms of your question, you can’t afford the watch this bochur is expecting, so he won’t be getting it. I recommend having a frank discussion with him. Hopefully this will lead to a broader conversation about the items upon which you are and are not willing to spend money. It will also help set financial expectations that will guide the young couple to understand the support they will or will not receive. This dialogue will be beneficial to all parties.
A Dose of reality: As a father of young girls, I admit that I don’t yet have experience managing the marriage process. Before my own wedding, I didn’t want a watch, but my father-in-law and I spent a day choosing a tallis, atara, and tallis bag, which he gifted to me. As for the wedding itself, I picked the girl, bought a suit, selected a stellar mesader kiddushin, and showed up. That was it. I didn’t have any opinion on many other wedding-related items.
I realize that my approach may contrast sharply with others planning a celebration, and my opinion on wedding customs may be overruled. If my future son-in-law truly wants a chassan watch and I can purchase it, then I will. Does it really make sense for me to take a stand on such an item when it sparks joy for the young couple and won’t impact my finances? Probably not. Though there may need to be a conversation about what we are willing to spend and I will certainly take the opportunity to remind my kids that spending on one item may come at the expense of spending on something else. This reality underscores one of the most important aspects of personal finance and life in general: the appreciation of compromise and tradeoffs. This key principle is the foundation of successful financial management. As the saying goes: “You can have anything, but you can’t have everything.”
Conclusion: A chassan gift is a wonderful Jewish tradition, but it should not cause financial hardship. More important than the financial outlay is the focus on values, practicality, and providing what is truly needed for the young couple to thrive in Yiddishkeit and gashmiyus, and ultimately build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.