What’s a sensible amount to spend on a date? I went out with some business colleagues to an upscale restaurant in New York City, and the bill was astronomical. I saw plenty of dates there. They must have dropped hundreds of dollars. My kids are now entering the dating scene, and I’d like to hear your thoughts on the right amount to spend on a date (first and subsequent ones).
In a past life, I was a matchmaker, so I appreciate this question. In fact, I used to host and facilitate numerous dating events in the midtown offices of a previous employer (a major Wall Street bank). Unfortunately, once my compliance department found out about these office mingles, they put a stop to it. They claimed it was not a relevant business activity. Alas, the folks in compliance were sorely mistaken. Not only did I make a shidduch from these events, but I also picked up a few new clients as well.
Despite my background in shadchanas, I must admit that I am no expert on today’s dating scene. I have been out of the “parsha” for a long time, and expectations and social etiquette may have changed. When axe throwing has become one of the more popular shidduch date venues, I can admit that I am out of my depths and a bit old fashioned in my approach. This still won’t stop me from offering my opinion, especially on the advice that lies at the intersection of money and dating:
Investing in a meal: Dining out on a first date was never my first choice. It is sometimes quickly apparent that you don’t enjoy the other person’s company. With a meal, you still need to spend quite a bit of money and time stuck watching this individual eat. It’s a suboptimal choice in my view. My first date was typically grabbing a coffee and going for a walk.
However, the Torah perspective on sharing a meal is different. In the Jewish world, a meal is far more than eating. It is a sacred act of connection and holiness that “brings close those who are far” (Sanhedrin 103). Meals are opportunities to elevate the physical into the spiritual, strengthen bonds, and invite the Divine presence to the table. In the Book of Ruth, Boaz invites Ruth to eat at his table, offering her roasted grain and wine vinegar (2:14). This simple act of sharing food marked the start of their bond, eventually leading to marriage.
Moshe and Tzipporah’s courtship also began with breaking bread. They initially met at a well in Midian, where Moshe defended her and her sisters from hostile shepherds. When the daughters told their father, Yitro, he asked them, “Where is he? Why did you leave the man? Call him, that he may eat bread” (Exodus 2:20). Breaking bread together led to Moshe and Tziporah’s marriage.
If you adhere to the philosophy that sharing a meal on a first date is important, then go to a moderately priced restaurant. While going for a walk, getting ice cream, or playing mini golf are all cheaper and perfectly acceptable first date activities, investing $50 (for those who can afford it) on a meal at a casual restaurant may be a nice, and Torah sanctioned, way of getting to know somebody. It worked out for our ancestors and certainly can still work today.
Stage of life: One’s age, stage of life, and personal financial situation should factor in to where to take a date. Two 50-year-old professionals may have more financial flexibility than a bochur in kollel and a maidel who just graduated from seminary. If someone is financing your lifestyle because you are not yet working, then going out for a meal at the fanciest steak restaurant in town may be rude to your financial backers, financially imprudent for you, and may set unrealistic financial expectations for the other party. Your spending on a date should be based on what you can afford. Two people can go on a lovely date at all levels of wealth. If the other party is not satisfied with how much you’ve spent, perhaps it is not a suitable shidduch in the first place.
Focus on ROI (Return on Investment): Going to a fancy steak restaurant, like the one you alluded to in your question, may be a bit extreme for a first date. Dropping $300 (N.Y.C. prices) on someone you may not want to see again may be financially imprudent and is certainly not necessary. However, there are certain points in one’s life where making a big investment may make sense. A down payment on the right house or buying into a business may be sensible financial decisions that pay off meaningfully in the long run.
In the dating world, if you’ve been going steady for a while, and you both really like one another, then it may be time to graduate from bowling to Barnea or from going on walks to Wall Street Grill. The logic is simple: Invest several hundred dollars, take your relationship to the next level, and then build a bayis ne’eman together ad me’ah v’esrim shana. That high restaurant bill may be the best ROI anyone can ask for.
The role of hashgacha pratis: It seems silly to discuss dating and money without any mention of the hand of Hashem in this process. As I mentioned earlier, my typical first date was coffee. However, when I went out for the first time with my wife, I happened to be famished (as was she) after a long day of work. I decided to take her out to dinner at Mr. Broadway. I found out later that Lauren doesn’t drink coffee. Had I gone my typical route, we would have been two hungry people meeting at a coffee shop, not drinking coffee. Under suboptimal circumstances for building a connection, there may not have been a second date. Hashem guided me to make a decision that went against my normal dating philosophy.Despite my background in shadchanas, I must admit that I am no expert on today’s dating scene. I have been out of the “parsha” for a long time, and expectations and social etiquette may have changed.
This story is the definition of “hashgacha pratis,” which is the belief that Hashem is actively involved in the details of all creation and serves as a guiding force in every individual’s life. This concept suggests that nothing happens by mere chance. Even the smallest events are guided by a Divine purpose.
When it comes to dating, investing, and life in general, it’s important to put in effort. In the dating world, this means dressing like a mensch, behaving respectfully, and doing research to find an enjoyable venue to get to know the individual you are courting. Yet, we must also appreciate that ultimately success in any endeavor is up to Hashem. No amount of money spent at a high-end restaurant will change this ultimate truth.