I just met with my future machatanim. Lovely people! No complaints at all. Our one minor problem relates to the choice of wedding venue. They want a takanah hall. I’d like something more upscale as my business colleagues will be in attendance. Since this is a financial question, what would you recommend as a compromise between a takanah hall and a fancy venue and how would you recommend splitting the costs? (I’m well aware that my machatanim may read the Jewish Press and see this question, but hopefully it will help open up some dialogue.)
A caveat on my perspectives. My kids are not yet of marriageable age. My only wedding planning experience comes from my own nuptials. Although beyond showing up with a suit and kittel, and selecting a stellar mesader kedushin, my involvement was modest, and that’s being generous. My opinions, therefore, don’t stem from the details of planning. They are instead based on my understanding of the financial implications and my paradigm for spending in life.
Before diving into your predicament, let’s give the folks at home a definition of a takanah hall. It is a place to host a simcha, made more affordable through community subsidization. The venue is nice, the band is good, the food is tasty, and the flowers are pretty. It gets the job done with fewer frills and more limited options to contribute to the much lower cost. I only learned about this concept within the last couple of years and absolutely love it! Now let’s circle back to your dilemma:
Perspective: Before discussing finances or venue options, it’s worth taking a step back to discuss weddings in general. The key aspect of any wedding should be the celebration of a marriage between two people. Everything beyond the holy ceremony is noise. This may sound harsh, but spending tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars on a one-day affair that everyone will forget once they leave seems a bit much.
Like all the other guests, your business associates should be happy to share in your simcha. The delicious food, beautiful venue, and open bar will all be forgotten within a day or so. The ability to partake in the celebration should be the most meaningful, and memorable, aspect to any wedding.
Spitting the costs: There are a few options to consider:
FLOPS: In this traditional arrangement, the groom’s family is assigned handling the Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photography, and Sheitel. The bride’s family handles all other aspects of the wedding, including the hall, caterer, and invitations. This may cause higher costs to one side depending on individual selections, but the concept of FLOPS is a long running tradition.
Split everything down the middle: This method always made the most sense to me. It seems logical that if two parties are sharing in a simcha, they should just split the costs. The problem is when both parties don’t want, or can’t afford, the same thing. In your circumstances, what you desire is much more expensive than your machatanim.
Pay the difference: A cordial corollary to splitting the costs, this option begins with even sharing of the base expenses. One party would then pay the full difference in cost for whatever aspect they chose to upgrade. In your circumstance, this would mean your machatanim would pay half of what it would have cost to use the takanah hall option. You would pay the other half plus pick up the total difference associated with the more upscale venue. This seems fair since only you want something more lavish. The bigger challenge is if the differences of opinion are not about the money. If one party wants the wedding to be low key and the other wants to throw a big shebang, then you need to get on the same page before planning anything.
What I recommend: I would side with your future in-laws and host the affair in a takanah hall. The simcha will undoubtedly be just as joyous in such a venue. The music and food will be good, and it will be equally as memorable (or forgettable) as a fancy wedding for all those in attendance.
Using a takanah hall is also a good chinuch opportunity for the young couple getting married. It reinforces for the newlyweds what is truly important in life by focusing on the ceremony, instead of the other ancillary distractions. Friends, family, tradition, and celebrating a simcha are all infinitely more important that the band, flowers, food, and alcohol selection.
Additionally, the cost savings can be used to help the young couple start their life together. Allocate the extra funds towards an apartment, furniture, towels, dishes, and a decent coffee machine. Purchasing these foundational items for the newlyweds so they can start off without having the immediate need to worry about money is a far better use of your funds.
Compromise: Some readers may think I have a point, while others may think I’m off my rocker. Both are valid opinions. In the end, it doesn’t really matter which decision is “right,” it’s important to recognize the need for compromise. Afterall, if you plan on celebrating many more smachot together, then it’s best not to ruffle too many feathers. If the other party is steadfast on the takanah hall and you really believe that you need to throw a more upscale party, then perhaps a good compromise is to host a lavish sheva brachot. Granted, sheva brachot are not as important as the actual wedding, but this may creatively help satisfy your desire and allow you to throw a party that is exactly what you envisioned. In life, finding a way to compromise is key!
Community challenge: While there will always be families who are wealthy enough to have upscale weddings, and will continue to do so, I firmly believe that Rabbanim across the country should push for takanah halls to become the norm. This will require a community effort to support these institutions. It will also require shifting public perceptions of the way weddings should be celebrated going forward. Undoubtedly, this is a tremendous challenge. However, this one modification to the frum lifestyle can save thousands of families from financial hardship. As a financial advisor, seeing the masses on better financial footing sparks immense joy in my life!
Mazal tov to the young couple and your growing family!
