This past summer, as with many summers, I went on a road trip with my family. We drove over 2,000 miles, stayed in dinky roadside motels, hiked in several national parks, and met up with friends. The highlight of the trip was undoubtedly meeting a lady at a small Chabad house in Kansas who is an avid reader of my column in The Jewish Press. The purpose of these family road trips is threefold: 1) It keeps my kids entertained in between camp and the start of the school year; 2) It’s a nice way to see and experience the country; 3) I’m hopeful that it will create lasting memories for our family to appreciate many years down the road.
It’s the last point that comes up often when working as a financial advisor: Should clients spend money on things or experiences? There is no question that “things” are important. Everyone needs a roof over their head, a mode of transportation, a nest egg for their financial future, and other necessities. However, as readers can probably gather, I’m also a big fan of spending time and money to create memorable experiences.
Experiences are unique in that they are an investment that continues to pay dividends in perpetuity. Using my summer road trip as an example: Before we leave, I gain enjoyment from planning the trip. I obviously enjoy going on the trip (minus the stressful parts like air travel, packing, or getting lost on a back country dirt road as it was getting dark with no cell reception). I also especially enjoy reliving my road trip with friends/family when I share the experiences many months or even years later. In short, when it comes to the decision of how to allocate my discretionary funds, experiences will generally win out over things.
Research supports my feelings. A 20-year study conducted by Dr. Thomas Gilovich, a psychology professor at Cornell University, arrived at a similar conclusion about spending on experiences over things. The research found that the happiness experienced from “things” fades quickly; we get used to new possessions quite quickly, our expectations for newer and better things keep rising, and the tendency to want to keep up with the Joneses will continuously be present. In short, it’s a never-ending cycle of temporary happiness.
On the other hand, Gilovich and other researchers found that experiences deliver more lasting happiness because they become part of our identity. We are not our possessions, but we are the accumulation of everything we’ve seen, things we’ve done, and places we’ve been. Buying a new watch isn’t going to change who you are. However, taking a break from work to hike Utah’s “Mighty Five” national parks or spending Shabbos in a Chabad in a remote part of the world, probably will. Our identity is the sum total of all our experiences.
Experiences are not only created by going on exotic trips. I like to remind myself of an interview I heard with famous comedian, Jerry Seinfeld. He was railing against how much he hates going on family trips, but really relishes what he referred to as “garbage time.” Jerry said: “I always talk about being a parent: People talk about quality time. I like to talk about ‘garbage time.’ Bowl of cereal at 11:00 at night? That’s garbage time.” In essence, Seinfeld was describing the seemingly mundane aspects of everyday life, usually with his children, that he treasures most of all. It’s important to remember that some of the best life experiences are just spending time at home and a random evening with loved ones eating cereal.
The importance of creating meaningful experiences is especially relevant as we approach the chagim. There are numerous stresses associated with the high holiday season, including preparation, family dynamics, costly obligations, and extremely long davening. However, the reality is that the time and money spent on these experiences will be looked at fondly down the road by yourself and your family. Every person with whom I’ve spent yuntif has at some point shared personal stories about spending yuntif with their parents, grandparents, siblings, or friends, and relayed the stories that their elders shared with them. The fact that you are one link in a long chain of people that have been celebrating the same holidays for millennia is what makes the High Holidays so meaningful.
Practically, how does one “invest” to create the most meaningful experiences for their family, and children in particular, during this yuntif season? The good news is that it does not necessarily require an additional financial outlay. Here are a few ideas to consider:
- Davening according to your level: While in elementary school, I remember spending an inordinate amount of time on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur counting how many pages were left in my machzor before I could go home. It’s a long service for a youngster to sit through. However, I also remember fondly going under my father’s tallis during Birkat Kohanim, listening to the shofar, and other aspects of the service that I found more enjoyable or with which I more closely connected. Giving your young kids more flexibility regarding which parts of davening they choose to join can leave them with a positive feeling and help them grow spiritually.
- Emphasize the customs: I’ve always learned best from, and connected with, stories. I feel like many people do. One aspect of Judaism that I have found inspiring is hearing stories, and seeing the customs, that were passed down from generation to generation. My wife’s family is always very serious about doing all the simanim on Rosh Hashana. My family is always serious about putting copious amounts of honey on the challah. The kids enjoy both aspects of these family traditions. Even though they may be minor aspects of the holiday itself, I know they are left with warm memories and will, iy”h, share these aspects of the holiday with future generations.
- Celebrate accomplishments and education: Jewish families value a strong Torah education. Kids also like to show what they have learned. Allowing your kids to share their divrei Torah, or projects from school, and celebrating their knowledge is another way to encourage learning, growth, and creating warm memories during the holiday season. It also helps lessen some of the rigidity felt during this time of year which can go a long way.
- Lead by example: As I often write, when it comes to educating children about money, it’s important to lead by example. After all, children are astute and will emulate your behavior more than what you say. Furthermore, there may be others in your community who will also emulate your fervor during the yomim noraim. I still remember davening as a boy in Rinat Yisroel in Teaneck and recall how various members davened on Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashana. It’s interesting what stays with you long after you move away. Taking the time and making the commitment to behave in a certain way may inspire more people than you know.
Not every investment is about dollars, performance metrics, and financial returns. Some of the best investments we make are in the experiences we facilitate. As we enter the high holiday season, it’s important to invest our time and money to enhance our family’s yuntif experience. It’s this type of investment that will cause warm and inspiring feelings for many generations to come and will keep paying dividends long after you are gone.
