South Florida had been following the news of Tanya Gonzalez, who went missing on September 9. The beautiful 28 year old was last seen in a Miami shopping center. Her frantic family told police that Tanya always contacted them every day and that they knew something was very wrong.
A little over a week later, the mystery seems to be solved. Gonzalez’s blue BMW was found deserted in Southwest Miami. Police opened the trunk. It held a decomposing body, assumed to be the missing girl.
Ex-boyfriend Roy Blanco had been considered a person of interest in the case. He was portrayed by friends and family as abusive and controlling. Tanya had just broken a five-year relationship with him. She reportedly was afraid of him.
Blanco stabbed himself to death shortly after the body was discovered. He had fled with his mother and dog. Authorities claim that when officers moved in to apprehend him, Blanco plunged a steak knife into his belly and his mother swallowed a handful of pills. The mother is expected to recover. The dog was taken by the ASPCA.
It’s easy to shrug off this event as something that has nothing to do with our Jewish community. That assumption is very wrong. All communities are affected. Individuals of every religion, creed, and color, be they rich or poor, famous or unknown, can be involved.
Recently, NFL football star Ray Rice made headlines for knocking out his then fiancé, Janay Palmer, and dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. Security cameras were running. Viewers of nightly news watched their television screens in horror. The most shocking part of the story is that Janay is now married to her abuser. Women’s advocates worry about her life expectancy.
Domestic abuse is a real issue and it affects the Jewish and even the frum world. Unfortunately, many of the victims of abuse feel embarrassment rather than outrage. They are shamed by their dilemma and keep it a big secret. After all, what would the community think? What would people say? How would it affect the shidduch prospects of their children?
Observant women who cover themselves from neck to ankle and wrist to wrist are especially vulnerable. Often the only witness to the bruises and welts is the mikveh lady who is told, “Oh, I am so clumsy, I fell down the stairs.”
Making excuses for the abuser enables and gives him permission. It never helps. Abuse is often an insidious and steadily escalating phenomenon. Many rabbis are not trained in dealing with this problem. One woman I know reported abuse to her rav who responded, “I can’t believe your husband is really such an ogre!” Another rabbi advised her to start baking her own challah.
It’s Rosh Hashanah. A new year. Time for a fresh start. Time for a new slate. Time for change.
Mothers often fool themselves into thinking they are staying in an abusive marriage “for the children.” In reality, if an abused woman does not get out, the children will forever be impacted by the idea that women can be abused and that a husband is entitled to do it.
If you or anyone you know is living with abuse, now is the time to have it stop. South Florida’s Jewish Domestic Abuse Number is 305-576-1818. Shalom Task Force has a toll-free number of 888-883-2323 (New York City number: 718-337-3700). There are many places that offer shelter and help. Search online or look in a phone book. If you do not know a number, just call 911.
It’s not too late.
I wish my family, friends, and readers a happy, healthy, and safe new year. Shanah Tovah.