Dear Dating Coach,
I am an older single who met a great guy through mutual friends. We have a lot of things in common and share a similar vision for our future. Yet, we have now been going out for a few months, and there are still many things about him that I am unsure about. He has certain character traits that bother me and certain relationships (his mother!) that I believe are not healthy. I have talked to him about the things that worry me, and he has listened and vowed to make an effort. But we have had numerous conversations now about these concerns, and I don’t see any difference. I am not entirely comfortable marrying him with some of these behaviors. How much more time do you think I should give him to make these changes?
Looking Glass
Dear Glass,
I have a brother-in-law who is brilliant with weather. He understands weather-related jargon and pronounces precipitation correctly every time. (I never do.) Whenever we have any weather-related questions (Will it snow? Will it rain?) we go to him, and he is always right. The only thing I know about the weather, however, is what I feel when I go outside. Cold? Hot? I open the door and determine if I have dressed inappropriately for it that day. It doesn’t seem bothered that I am wearing winter boots on a bright sunny day, or a lightweight dress when the wind is howling. So, I go back in to change time and time again, because apparently the weather refuses to accommodate my wardrobe.
Sometimes You Have to Weather the Storm
Thank you for reaching out. You have been dating for some time and understand the value of meeting someone promising. While getting to know each other, you have discovered qualities that you appreciate and qualities that you don’t. You have communicated your concerns to him directly, and he was amenable to working on the items that bother you. Yet, time and many conversations later, you still have not noticed any difference in his behavior. You would like to know how much more time you should extend to him in order to see real change. You need to make a decision about your future and are not sure how much more of yourself to invest.
There is definitely a decision to be made. Unfortunately, it is not about timing; rather, it is about your willingness to accommodate. He is not changing. This is who he has been for a long time, and will likely be for the foreseeable future. Of course, we are all capable of growth, but he is who he is, and that will not be different in three weeks or three months. Now YOU get to decide, if you can be happy with him the way that he is TODAY. He might work on his character (and his relationship with his mother), or he might not. You cannot marry someone hoping to change them. You must accept and love them as they are, or move on. We can change anything external – how someone dresses, where they live, and how. We cannot hope to change someone’s character, their core belief system, or their relationships. Going into a marriage planning for this is usually an exercise in futility and resentment. So instead, take the time to reflect on what you need and want, and then see if he is the right person for you TODAY. As. Is. YOU can choose to adjust, but the man and the weather are what they are. You can definitely walk away if this is not right for you, or you can embrace what you see today on the other side of your door.