Dear Dr. Yael,
I work very hard on myself to judge others favorably and to get along with people. Even when someone behaves inappropriately, I usually choose not to respond or escalate the situation. I believe deeply in dan l’chaf zechut, giving others the benefit of the doubt.
My husband, however, views this approach as a weakness. He feels that by not pushing back, I am allowing people to take advantage of me and that I come across as a “sap.” This hurts me deeply, especially because I see my behavior as a reflection of my values, not a lack of strength.
We are married with young children. My husband is an attorney, and I teach Hebrew subjects in a girls’ yeshiva. I wonder if our professional worlds shape how we view conflict and self-advocacy. Still, it pains me that something I see as a moral strength is interpreted by him as a flaw.
My husband enjoys your column very much, and I would appreciate it if you would print my letter together with your response.
Thank you,
A Wife in Distress
Dear Wife in Distress,
Your letter reflects a woman of depth, restraint, and strong values. Choosing to judge others favorably and to refrain from unnecessary conflict is not weakness; rather it is an avodah and reflects real inner work. In a world that rewards sharp words and quick comebacks, self-control requires strength.
That said, your husband’s reaction deserves some understanding, even if it is painful to hear. Attorneys are trained to advocate, challenge, and protect boundaries aggressively. In his professional world, silence can mean vulnerability, and passivity can carry real consequences. It is possible that he fears that you are unprotected. Perhaps you can explain to your husband that being dan l’chaf zechut (giving people the benefit of the doubt) and showing restraint is a choice that you make. You are very capable of pushing back if needed. However, you don’t always believe it is necessary or productive. Your strength is in the act of remaining quiet. You can also explain to your husband that he is likely the recipient of this beautiful middah (characteristic) and probably appreciates it when you do it for him. It may also be helpful to use an “I feel” message to help your husband understand how you feel. Saying something like this may help him understand how you’re feeling: “I hear that you want me to be protected and respected. I appreciate that. But it hurts when my values are called weakness.”
It is important for you to realize that you are modeling for your children what strength truly is. Your children are watching closely. They are learning that dignity, patience, and giving others the benefit of the doubt are valid responses, and that dominance and confrontation are not always necessary or productive. It is also helpful to remember that different roles usually call for different tools. Your work as a teacher and as a mother requires emotional intelligence, patience, and the ability to rise above. His work requires assertiveness and challenge. Neither approach is superior; they are simply different languages. If you can see that you come from different perspectives, it may help you feel less hurt by your husband’s comments as he sees the advantages of assertiveness and challenge.
Lastly, ask your husband if he can possibly work on respecting your way of being, even if he doesn’t agree with it. Your husband does not need to respond the same way that you do, but he does need to work on respecting you and your approach. If your husband cannot do this, it may be a good idea to seek professional help together so he can learn to do so. Judging others favorably is not weakness, it is moral courage. The goal is not to harden yourself, but to ensure that your gentleness is paired with self-respect. When kindness and boundaries exist together, strength becomes unmistakable. Hatzlacha in helping your husband see the beauty of your ways!