Dear Dr. Yael,
I have been married for less than a year, and I already feel pulled in two directions. I love my husband and want to build our home with shalom bayis, closeness, and trust. At the same time, I am very close to my parents, especially my mother, and I find it hard to separate emotionally from them.
My parents are loving and involved, but sometimes they comment on how we run our home, how my husband does things, and how often we visit. When I try to please them, my husband feels that I am choosing them over him. When I try to prioritize my husband, I feel guilty toward my parents.
I never expected marriage to feel like a choice between two people I love. I don’t want resentment to grow in either direction. I want to have kibud av v’em and also be a loyal and loving wife.
How do I build a strong marriage without losing my parents and without losing myself?
A Conflicted Newlywed
Dear Conflicted Newlywed,
What you are feeling is very normal for the beginning of marriage. Leaving one emotional home to build another is one of the deepest and hardest transitions of adulthood. You are not choosing between loving your parents and loving your husband; rather, you are learning how your heart can expand to love more people.
Your parents were once the center of your world; however, now your husband is meant to become that center. This does not take your parents out of the picture. Having kibud av v’em (respect for your mother and father) is still very important, but your tafkid (job) is now to honor your husband. The success of your parents’ parenting will allow you to use your “wings to fly.” Good parents want their children to be independent, to lead a successful life and have a successful marriage. Putting your husband first is not something you should feel guilty about; it’s actually what your parents want you to do, even if it’s hard for them.
It is normal to feel uncomfortable when you begin to shift your priorities, but discomfort is not always a signal that you are doing something wrong. Often this discomfort is the growing pain of becoming someone new. You are stepping into a role that requires courage. It takes a lot of strength and courage to build a marriage that is not affected by outside voices, even loving ones.
When your parents comment on your home or your husband, listen with derech eretz (respect), but be careful not to bring those words back into your marriage. Your husband needs to feel that you are his safe place, not the messenger of criticism. Protecting your marriage does not mean rejecting your parents. It means that you are choosing privacy, discretion, and a close relationship with your husband. It is important to establish boundaries and to protect the sanctity of your marriage. Boundaries are not walls; rather, they are bridges that allow relationships to last. You can love your parents and still say, gently, “We’re figuring things out our way,” or “I value your thoughts, but this is something we need to decide together.” These words do not push them away, they simply help your parents understand what their new position is.
Creating these boundaries will help your husband learn that he is your priority. Your actions will help him see where he stands. For example, when you speak about your husband with respect, defend him kindly, consult him first, and choose him in front of your parents and when alone, he will learn that he is important to you. These quiet choices build a sense of safety in your marriage that no argument or speech ever could.
Marriage is a difficult adjustment for both parents and children. Your parents are used to you depending on them and listening to everything they say. Even if your parents are not controlling, they likely are in the habit of expecting you to feel that their opinion is of the utmost importance. It is probably hard for them to become comfortable with the new status quo. They have to acclimate to the fact that your husband’s opinion is going to be your priority now. So, this will be a delicate balance. Remember, you are not a child anymore and loving your parents as an adult is different. Adult love is not dependence; rather, it is connection with boundaries and closeness with independence. You are becoming someone new and this will be hard for your parents. Try to shift your perspective from feeling guilty and not knowing who to listen to and who to please to a perspective of understanding that your role has shifted and it is normal and wonderful. Your new job is to build your own home, be a partner to your husband, and be a woman who is learning how to carry love in more than one direction without letting it tear her apart. Be strong and work on your perspective so you can feel less guilty and enjoy your new marriage! Your parents love you and want you to be happy, even if they seem to want you to listen to their perspectives. Your husband needs to feel he is your number one and you can only do this by actually putting him first. Hatzlacha in this wonderful new world!