Dear Dr. Yael,
I read your column about an insecure wife and it prompted me to send you this letter. I am writing about my husband, who is a loving, caring spouse and a devoted father. My struggle is with his low self-esteem as it is prevalent and affects our home.
We have young children and a baby. My husband often says things like, “I know you spend a lot of time with the baby, but she really likes me better! Her eyes light up when she sees me!” He showers the children with gifts, rarely says no, and avoids giving consequences when they misbehave. I usually end up being the disciplinarian, while he focuses on making them happy.
We both believe in gentle parenting and do not believe in hitting our children. I am a loving mother, but I also believe children need limits. I resent that his insecurity seems to drive his parenting, and that he wants their approval more than he wants to guide them.
His insecurity affects our marriage too. He talks a great deal and often repeats every compliment he receives at work or in shul. He becomes upset if he is interrupted and sometimes seems to compete with the children for my attention. As an adult, I feel he should understand that he cannot always be the priority.
I try to give him warmth, love, and attention. But at times I feel like I am raising another child who is competing for my attention rather than a partner who stands beside me.
We both love your column. Please give me some guidance. He reads your column as well.
A Loving but Frustrated Wife
Dear Loving but Frustrated Wife,
Thank you for reaching out. You obviously love your husband, but it sounds like his insecurity is exhausting. It can’t be easy to be cut into so many pieces and to try to give everyone what they need. As you noted, your husband’s low self-esteem manifests in constant talking, fishing for reassurance, competing for attention, needing to be admired, and struggling to tolerate not being the center. Even though it may feel like it, it does not seem like your husband is trying to be difficult, rather, he is trying to feel safe in his own worth. However, when an adult needs constant emotional feeding, the people around him start to feel drained rather than loved.
Your husband’s parenting style is not just about kindness; it is about fear. He is afraid that if he sets limits, he will lose his children’s love. So, he buys affection instead of building authority. But children do not need a parent who just gives them whatever they want, they need a parent who guides them and helps them develop into healthy adults. Boundaries make children feel more secure. A combination of love and boundaries is generally the healthiest way to raise children.
This also means that you end up carrying two heavy roles: mother and emotional stabilizer. That is A LOT for one person. You are likely feeling resentful because it feels like too much to do on your own.
Your husband also needs to hear something gently but clearly: reassurance cannot replace inner work. No amount of compliments, gifts, or praise will ever be enough if he does not learn to feel good inside himself. That is work that he must do on his own and it is not something that you can do for him.
Perhaps it can be helpful to support your husband without feeling like you are parenting him. This means:
Do not rush to fill every emotional gap
Do not let him compete with your children for his sense of worth
You cannot make his feelings your full-time job
Love does not have to mean that you are constantly available. You can gently tell him that you are doing something right now and are not available to talk. If he interrupts the children, you can gently tell him that you are speaking to one of the children now and will give him attention soon. You did not mention how he reacts when you don’t give him the attention he is vying for. Does he get angry with you? Does he just get quiet and sad? Either way you cannot give in and let him constantly interrupt.
At a calm time, you might say something like, “I love you, and I want us to feel like partners. It is hard for me to feel like I am carrying everyone’s emotional needs alone. I need you to work on feeling strong inside yourself, not just through me or the children.” If he has no idea what you’re talking about, you may need to calmly and non-judgmentally give him some examples of what he does that is hard for you.
It is possible that your husband may need therapy to work on building himself up. Your husband deserves to feel good about himself, but it is not your job to be his therapist. Of course you can be positive with your husband, but you cannot continue to fill him up in the way that it sounds like you are doing. He needs to be able to fill himself up and once he works on his self-esteem, he will hopefully be less needy. It is also so important for him to work on his self-esteem now, while the children are young, so that he does not affect their self-esteem and their ability to grow into healthy adults. Your children need both of you to give them affection and authority/boundaries. It is important for your children’s emotional safety to respect your husband and not to just see him as the “fun father.” Hopefully he will read this column and realize that only giving gifts and never expecting anything or putting up boundaries is dangerous. This will help your husband start to make the changes he needs to make. Hatzlacha in this journey and in getting the help your husband needs to work on his self-esteem.