Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating a girl pretty seriously. She seems great for me and things have been going pretty smoothly. I really felt like she could be the one. But yesterday, I went out with a close friend and he was talking about how dating has been hard for him. He mentioned that the last girl he dated, who he went out with for a while, ultimately wasn’t a match and he broke off the shidduch. He said he felt like she wasn’t “exciting enough” and couldn’t see himself marrying her. Then he casually mentioned her name and I almost fell off my chair! It is the girl that I am dating and now I feel uncomfortable and conflicted! First, that he dated her at all, and second that he didn’t think she was “exciting.” Maybe I am missing something that he saw and I just don’t know what to do. I would really appreciate some advice.
Single Seconds
Dear Seconds,
This is going to be an ugly confession, but I am prepared for the judgment. I am a crust eater. I discard the coveted challah center for its crust and will gladly use the fluffy bread to barter for that unwanted outer layer from random Shabbos guests. I don’t like the inside of the challah and most people are baffled by my crusty choices. I have made peace with this and I am immune to your soft-challah-centered judgment – especially if you throw a crust my way. Phew. Glad to get that off my chest.
In Challah We Crust.
I’m so glad you reached out. You find yourself in an awkward position. You have discovered that your friend dated and “discarded” the girl you are interested in marrying, and it is making you question your choices. Why would you want to marry someone who someone else said “no” to? You worry that his description of her is true and you might be committing to someone that others see in a less-than-positive light. Everything seemed exactly right until your friend shared that she wasn’t “right” for him.
You have been given a gift. You met a girl who seems perfect for you. You like everything about her and are considering an engagement. Your friend didn’t want to marry her. This is an even greater gift! She was clearly meant for you and not for him, and that was clear to him and we hope now to you as well. If everyone was the right match for us, dating would be even more complicated and confusing. Instead, we all rely on our own personalities, character traits, chemistry, and hashkafos to connect with the person meant exactly for us. We are grateful for our differences.
Your friend will not judge you after your engagement. He will be happy for you (and perhaps regret that he spoke out of turn). A moment of discomfort perhaps, but the trade-off can be a lifetime of happiness. He knows she was not right for him, and it will be clear to everyone that she is right for you. We all have our own tastes and gravitate toward the things and people who make us feel good and happy. Thank Hashem for this beracha and walk happily toward your chuppah.