Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about a friendship that is confusing to me. I have a “friend” who is sometimes very caring and supportive and sometimes destroys my self-esteem. She is like Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. I never know what to expect from her. The problem is that I really like her and I want to be close to her, but my lack of trust drives me crazy. I have spent hours crying after she does something painful, but then there are times that she literally saves me. This relationship is not clearly toxic. It can be caring and supportive, but at other times it can be so painful and destructive. Please advise me what to do.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
I appreciate your letter and understand your pain. It is sometimes more difficult to have a friend who plays Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde than a clear toxic friendship. With a toxic relationship, it is clear that you must avoid that person. However with a confusing situation where the same person can be supportive and caring, then literally causes you deep pain, it is actually more destructive. Anyone who can make you cry for hours or destroy your self-esteem is not a good friend. A clear sign of a toxic friend is when they cause you stress, sadness, and/or anxiety and when a friend doesn’t push you to be who you want to be. A toxic friendship can also drain you and make you doubt yourself, so sometimes people think they are the issue and do not realize they are actually in a toxic relationship.
The first step is recognizing that someone is not a good friend for you, which you seem to have noticed, at least on some level. Even if this friend is supportive at times, you should never feel that a friend is trying to destroy your self-esteem. It is important for you to try to pull away from this friendship. If your friend does not get the hint, you may need to tell her that you value your friendship that you had, but your life is moving in a different direction and you don’t think you’ll be able to continue the friendship at this point. If she pushes, just be firm and clear and exit the conversation.
If this response resonates with you, then take the bold steps to discontinue this friendship, even though it will not be easy. If you’re still feeling ambivalent about leaving the relationship (not because you are scared or having a hard time, but because you aren’t sure if it’s wise to do so), it is important to analyze why you are attracted to this friend. I have written a few times about the IMAGO theory. Usually we discuss the IMAGO theory in relation to a romantic partner, but it can be relevant to really any relationship in our lives that we can choose/easily change (e.g., a difficult mother-in-law or boss is not necessarily related to the IMAGO theory). The IMAGO theory states that in order to repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, we find people to have a relationship with who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.
Do you think that you chose this friend because she is part of your IMAGO? Are you attracted to her as a friend because her negativity reminds you of a toxic relationship with your mother, father, or sibling that you are trying to resolve? If so, it would be prudent to seek professional help from a therapist to help you resolve some of these issues and refrain from forming/keeping toxic relationships.
There has been ground breaking research spearheaded by psychologists Julianne Holt-Lunstad and Bert Uchino that shows that confused relationships can be damaging to your health even more than toxic negative relationships. One study found that adults had more elevated blood pressure after interacting with people who brought out ambivalent feelings than those who interacted with people who evoked totally negative feelings. In general these people can act nice to you when they are with you, but can later stab you in the back. It is very confusing and unhealthy. Please be brave and find other healthier relationships and if need be, seek out professional help to aid you in doing so. You will thank yourself and this column once you take the plunge and are away from the toxicity! Hatzlacha with this difficult and confusing situation!
