Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am absolutely horrified at what has become the norm for Chanukah. I don’t know when or how this terrible phenomenon took hold but it certainly has become the way of the world. I am a grandmother to fifteen grandchildren, blee eyin horah, and I could not buy even one of the gifts the children put on their wish lists, let alone fifteen – Ipads, tablets, computers. video game consoles, who can afford these things?
My grown children say I’m old fashioned, not with the times and that I’ve lost touch with what is important today. Can they be right? Can values and traditions change so radically with the passing of time?
Up until five or six years ago, when my older grandchildren started a new school, I would look forward to spending time with them on Chanukah. Two of my adult children had moved away for parnassah reason, so it would be Chanukah and Pesach when our family would get together to celebrate and catch up.
My late husband would sit in his big chair and all the grandchildren would gather at his feet for the telling of the miracle of Chanukah. My husband was a mesmerizing storyteller, his deep, resonant voice and animated hand gestures mentally painting a moving, animated historical event that captivated even the adults in the room. I could see the children’s lips moving as they silently mouthed his words, knowing them by heart but still enchanted by the story and its teller. After the story, my husband would call each child to him, from the youngest to the oldest and, placing his hands on their heads, he would bless them to be strong in their faith, loving in their hearts and grateful for the gifts Hashem has given us. Each child received a special silver dollar and a gift he had made specifically for him or her. For the oldest boy, who loved trains, he crafted a beautiful and functioning locomotive from wood and pieces of metal; for one of the girls, we crafted a stunning jewelry cabinet and so on. He began working on these gifts the moment Chanukah ended to be ready for the next one. And then he passed away and two of our kids moved away, and everything changed.
I tried my best to keep up his wonderful traditions by preparing the gifts for the first Chanukah he would be absent, telling the story and doing all he did, but I failed miserably. Each subsequent year, a bit more of the old magic fell by the wayside, until all that was left of Chanukah was request for electronic gifts, some token latkes, a peck on the cheek and goodbye. This year was the worst of all, not only did they not come for the four days that they customarily did, the older grandchildren barely acknowledged me at all and when they departed they left the gifts I had bought for them behind because they were not what they wanted.
I am not a youngster anymore. I still work part-time to subsidize my social security checks so I can pay my monthly bills and help out one son who is incapacitated. My heart breaks for the yesterday that seems to have vanished along with my beloved husband. Is there any chance that there is something I can still do to salvage the unity and togetherness that is quickly disappearing from my family?
Dear Friend,
Your sadness is palpable and I can feel your anguish coming through with each word. Many of us have reached an age where it seems as if the grandchildren have outgrown their need for us and replaced us with advertised needs, momentary pleasures and immature values.
What can I say, but that the fault lies with their parents who encourage and/or excuse this type of behavior. Distance is no excuse for severing a way of life and connections with beloved family members. These should be kept alive and cultivated. Allowed to perish through neglect, branches of a family tree wither and fall away.
I must ask you: How often do you call your grandchildren, just to talk and show interest in what they are up to? Show them that you are thinking of the, that you miss them and want to share in their growing-up adventures outside of the few moments you spend together over Chanukah and Pesach.
Instill in them the understanding that Grandma is not just a dollar sign, an old lady to hit on for gifts or a fossil who doesn’t understand the world they live in. If you make the effort and are consistent and regular in your desire to be close to them, the feeling will take and a new and different relationship will evolve. Anything worth having is worth working for.
Sometimes a lot of effort is required to fix what is cracked before it is totally broken.
Don’t lament what was, work toward what can be. Your husband created a legacy that your grandchildren still remember, but sadly, he is not here to carry it on. You have great treasures to offer them, though, you are a link between their past and their future. And, that, dear friend, is priceless.
