Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I have written this letter at least ten times; and each time I ripped it up and chose not to send it. What’s the use? No one understands my pain, frustration and disillusionment. Who really wants to hear what a thirty-nine year old, single man wants and why he no longer cares to go through shadchan channels or accept blind dates arranged by “well-meaning” friends who don’t care to hear the most important specifications and qualifications I must adhere to in order for me to find my zivug. All they see is a guy who’s “too picky,” someone who isn’t looking in the mirror but wants someone younger, beautiful, slim and intelligent. What they seem to be overlooking is something that has kept me single until now: A great number of the many dates I’ve gone out on are forbidden to me as I am a kohein.
I can’t recall the number of times I have been set up with women who, although very presentable and wonderful prospects, informed me, nonchalantly in passing, that they had been previously married “for five minutes in time” (one of them got divorced during her Sheva Brochos week, another two weeks after her wedding) and it doesn’t really count. Of course it does – I can’t marry a divorcee whether she was married for five days or even for five minutes! Each time this happens, it makes it harder for me to go out and try again. And you can’t imagine how many times this has happened. It’s gotten to the point where I just don’t care to try anymore.
Doesn’t anyone care about the truth and what withholding it can do to another person who has begun to think that perhaps she’s the one he’s been looking for? Do shaddchanim really do their due diligence before putting two people together who are halachically unsuited for each other – or do they coach the female candidates to gloss over such important information in the hopes that it won’t matter? And if they withhold information as important as this, what other information are they capable of withholding? Does the end really justify the means, even at the risk of diminishing others like myself to the point where we just give up?
Four years ago, I was redt to an out-of-town girl by a shaddchan of some repute. I went through the expense of taking off three days from work without pay, flying out to her state and booking a hotel. To my pleasant surprise, she was, indeed, a lovely, sweet and intelligent young lady and we had a great date. We went out again the following evening and the one before I left back for home and I was ready to propose to her then and there – that is, until she let on that she had one small detail she had not mentioned, but didn’t think I’d mind. She had been married for five days during which time she had found out her new husband was mentally unstable. She immediately got a get and divorce. Can you imagine, she said, how angry she was with the shaddchan for not telling her about the man’s mental illness? I sat there completely dumbfounded. Here I was, under the impression that I’d found the woman of my dreams only to have the rug pulled out from under me yet again!
So, when you get letters from irate women who complain about the low level of male prospects in the shidduch parsha, it’s not always because we have high expectations or unreasonable demands. Perhaps you will remember that much of the heartbreak we experience is caused by the lies. I have no desire to be alone for the rest of my life. I yearn for a soul mate with whom to share my days and spend my nights, someone with whom to have children and grow old with. I am not a career dater or a player, just someone who has had the bad fortune of falling for the wrong women sent by the wrong people.
Please print this letter for all those who share my plight and sign me,
A gentleman in waiting
Dear Sir,
Wow, your letter was an eye-opener. I can feel your sincerity and the depth of your plight and there certainly is no excuse for the treatment you received by the very people in whom you placed your trust. I am truly sorry you had those experiences and the damage each one caused to your heart, trust and pocketbook. No one realizes the great expense each failed date costs the young man or woman who has to try and regroup and face a new prospect, make the effort to be pleasant even while knowing this one, too, will not pan out. It is a grueling and draining ordeal that takes on a surreal flavor and artificial demeanor, so much so that those who go through it often want to give up and stay single.
Don’t give up or give in; don’t stop trying, even though others have misled you or withheld information. Instead, learn to ask the right questions from the get-go to protect yourself from further hurt, in a polite and courteous fashion. Of course, there are some questions that need a special touch, like those having to do with mental or emotional issues; however, you are entitled to ask them. No shaddchan worth his or her salt will not be able to answer those questions, but if they can’t, do the research yourself. After all, ultimately, you must look out for yourself, you can’t always depend on others to do that for you.
I understand your situation and wish you the very best of luck in your quest to find your bashert. Just don’t give up. Human beings were not meant to live alone, but to share their lives with someone special, created and designated just for them.
To any reader who has not yet found his or her life partner, speak to your rav, rebbetzin, a trusted friend or dating mentor so that you can re-evaluate your expectations and options. Don’t get stuck on old ideas, they get stale over time. Understand who you have become and how best to find the match you need in the here and now.
I hope you will let me know that a mazal tov is due you in the not too distant future.