Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am faced with a hurtful dilemma and I don’t know how to approach it. I was hoping that you might be able to clarify what steps I could take to resolve my situation.
I got married the first time when I was nineteen and, without mincing words, the marriage was not meant to be. I will not go into the particulars of what made this marriage unbearable but it did produce two precious children for whom I am eternally grateful. However, after four years, I knew it would never get better, so I asked my husband for a get. It took two years and my threatening to expose him as a drug addict, thief and liar before he agreed.
As I had compromising photos of him I was able to get a generous settlement and custody of our two sons. I also had the entire community siding with me and many people were willing to set me up on dates. However, for a while, I did not want to socialize, or even entertain going into another marriage. In fact, it was a year and a half before I accepted a shidduch date and began the process all over again.
I knew it would take time for me to trust again, but with two young children to think about, I went into therapy.
I truly believe that it was because I did, I was ready and able to recognize the wonderful qualities and true kind heart of the man I met two years later. He is everything my first husband was not and so much more. He has three children from his first marriage who do not treat us well, but we manage.
Baruch Hashem, we recently had a child of our own, and this has caused me to face some painful truths.
When my husband’s children last came to stay with us, we invited my widowed mother-in-law to come for Shabbos as well. What became glaringly obvious was the difference in the way she treats our children. My husband’s children from his first marriage are doted on, as is our infant daughter, but my two sons are ignored. I understood that these children are not of her blood, but the cruel way of disregarding them so obviously in favor of the others was not lost on my sons. The pain in their eyes registered like a knife in my heart and I realized that this would be a forever problem. Thank G-d, my husband has bonded so lovingly with my boys and they adore him.
I have asked my husband to speak to his mother about my concerns, which he has, but even he cannot get her to include my older children and count them as equals to her biological grandchildren. So there you have it. What can I do to possibly soften her heart?
Dear Friend,
Life is tough, but sometimes you catch a break and life takes a wonderful turn for the better. However, perfection is a myth we strive to achieve, but rarely ever succeed in reaching it. So we settle for “wonderful” and keep hoping and working towards “perfect.” Now, with that said, let’s see what wonderful things we should be grateful for.
In your own words, you wisely thank Hashem for blessing you with two beautiful boys, albeit conceived while suffering through a turbulent marriage. Second, you were wise enough and fortunate enough to circumvent your ex-husband’s attempts to drag out the get/divorce by turning the table on him and taking control of your life. The smartest gift you gave yourself and your sons was to seek therapy so that you could learn to do what needed to be done without fear, guilt or shame.
And then you found wonderful husband number two, a man who will wipe away the previous years of torment and tears and with whom you have been blessed with another little bundle of joy. He is all you have hoped for and more, and for many women who have gone through what you have, this would be enough. But now comes the “fly in the honey,” the mother-in-law who won’t allow you to move from just “wonderful” to “perfect.” However, you do have a legitimate complaint, your older children are being hurt by her actions and this cannot be pushed under the rug because it may well set the stage for future problems.
In a perfect world, everyone would automatically love every child who enters the sphere of our lives, but there are some women who reserve all their maternal love and affection for those of their own blood, with nothing to spare for incoming children not biologically their own.
Yet, there are ways to change the perception and soften her heart. I believe that you should approach your mother-in-law. Invite her over for coffee and cake, just to chat and to let her play with the baby. Then, when she’s mellow and clear-thinking, gently ask her why she makes such a difference between your boys and her other grandkids. You may be surprised to learn that she never noticed that she did that, or that she may, in fact, have a problem accepting them in the same way as her biological grandchildren because there was no bonding with them from birth, where such feelings are conceived. She may well want to change that, as she will have a better understanding of the pain and the suffering her divisive actions and selective treatment causes them, even though she doesn’t mean to be mean.
I’m sure that when you make the effort to get closer to her, she will learn to accept both you and your older children as part of her blended and extended family. And that’s as perfect and as wonderful as it could be.