In the future, if you should be approached and asked about me for the purpose of a shidduch, along with the gossip about my brothers’ affliction, please don’t forget to mention my good character, my exemplary middos and acts of chesed, my modest manner and tznius and my all-around good name. Don’t forget to mention that I have devoted myself to the sick and the poor before you give into the need to expound about the tragedy of my brothers. Before you delightedly rip into my family’s misfortune, please don’t forget to mention what a terrific wife, wonderful mother and fabulous balabusta I would make if only given the chance. Before you give into the thrill of imparting lashon hara and meddle in Hashem’s work, think of all the unborn generations you will have a hand in destroying if I never marry. I am not asking you to withhold any truths, just to tell the whole truth! Don’t give a partial picture painted with broad, black strokes, but also include the good and the beautiful parts. Remember that even amongst our Avos and Imahos there were familial imperfections and if this would have been a deterrent to their unions, where would we be today?
Dear Friend,
There’s very little I can add to what you have already written. However, there is a point I’d like to expound upon. You have, quite correctly, brought forth the fear people have when they are made aware of some sort of an issue in a family, even with just one individual. This is quite understandable, as sometimes divorce takes place because information was withheld.
I fully understand your predicament and appreciate your dire situation and it will take truly special people to see you for who you are and appreciate your wonderful nature and sterling qualities. I, for one, will accept your challenge and take it upon myself to help you find your zivug.
There are so many single people, at various stages in life, who need to find their life partners; it behooves us all to do our utmost to get them married. We are afflicted as a people with all sorts of ills and it affects our ability to meet, marry and multiply, as we were meant to do.
We have become too particular in what we think we want, starting with what kind of family yichus we need, down to the color of the candidate’s hair and eyes. In the quest for perfection, we may overlook the very person we are looking for. Oftentimes, “Miss Perfect or Mr. Wonderful” may be someone we never thought would be right for us. Step back and assess qualities, character and inner beauty before you go looking for the outer trappings. Outer beauty fades with time. Inner beauty is eternal.
When you marry, you marry a person, not a family and certainly not yichus. Look deeper than the top layer. As with a diamond, what is most precious is found deep within.
Don’t lose hope, dear friend, your zivug is waiting for you, and together we’ll find him.