So, here I am, alone once again, standing knee-deep in a viper’s pit. Our relationship as husband and wife has been torn to shred by his daughters’ greed and selfishness. While I don’t expect him to always side with me, I never expected our relationship to take second fiddle. Rachel, do you have any suggestions as to how I can remedy this situation?
Dear friend,
Yours is, indeed a sad story. That you had a loving first marriage for thirty-five years is something to cherish, along with all the blessings it contained. It should have been a great lead-in to restarting a new life. Amazingly, you found someone who was able to offer you what you had lost in the way of companionship and caring. How sad that his children are bent on destroying it and even sadder that he seems to not have the backbone necessary to stand up to them.
You ask me what I think, so I’ll be honest – I’m not overly optimistic. The very fact that he’s agreed to cut you out of his will, particularly his life insurance, indicates to me that you will always take last place in his regard, his children will always be first and foremost in his considerations and you would be deluding yourself if you think otherwise. I feel that even couples counseling would be of little benefit at this point, as the daughters are the core problem and any progress the two of you make would be lost outside of the therapist’s office. Unless they agree to partner with you in joint therapy sessions, so that everyone’s issues are addressed and everyone accepts the responsibility of working to make your union strong and cohesive, the chances are zero to none that this relationship has any chance of improving. From my vantage point, any more time invested in this venture is time wasted.
First marriages are hard enough, what with two young people who enter marriage fresh and full of dreams for the future. Second marriages are that much harder to kick-start, because it is hard to undo what a previous partner has enforced and remold or reshape a second spouse to conform with what is desired or expected.
Worse yet is when an older couple with older children enters a second marriage. It often becomes a family affair, where the children hold sway over their biological parent and want to dictate or control the environment. Then the marriage becomes a circus of three or more participants and discord between the spouses is sure to set in and cause grief and anxiety. A bad and debilitating recipe for failure.
That said, please do reach out to a professional and see whether or not something good can be salvaged.
P.S. To the young lady who wrote in, disillusioned about her shidduch experience because of her brother’s drug addictions, I have been inundated with offers and shidduch prospects but have no way to get in touch with you. The e-mail address you used to send me your letter is no longer in service, so please contact me.