Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I find myself in a terrible position, not of my own making and I don’t know whom I can tell or ask advice from because of the sensitivity and gravity of the subject matter. One thing is for sure, I will end up suffering for any decision I make, so I turn to you for some clarity and direction.
I am an eighteen-year-old girl, recently returned from seminary in Israel for my sister’s wedding. I was not home more than two days when I noticed tension between my parents. I heard them arguing about a money issue, but paid it little mind as I thought it pertained to the wedding expenses. My parents both work and have always just gotten by, so I understand that this wedding is a great financial burden. I heard them arguing almost every other night and last week I decided to ask my father if it would be better for me to stay home and save them the expense of the second half of seminary.
I found my father sitting with his head in his hands at the kitchen table. The house was quiet and everyone else was in bed. He looked up at me and I was shocked to see he had been crying. I hugged him and asked how I could help. What he told me was shocking. He said he was worried he was losing his mind and that my mother even thought he was going through the early onset of memory loss due to Alzheimer’s or dementia.
It seems that he had been losing money – either misplacing cash or not remembering having spent it. This had happened on at least four or five occasions and always after he had cashed his paycheck. At first, he suspected my brother of taking different amounts out of his jacket or pants pockets while he was in the shower. When he confronted him, my brother completely denied it and there had been a big argument. My mother defended my brother and pointed out that my father’s parents suffered from Alzheimers’ disease and maybe that’s what was wrong.
I hugged my father and told him I loved him, all the while my heart was breaking for him. I told him it was probably the stress and worry about the wedding expenses and offered to look for the money, if he had actually misplaced it. We spoke a while longer and then we both went up to our rooms.
My mind wouldn’t give me peace. I knew my father to be a very careful and orderly person and to think that he had taken to misplacing something as important as money was not in character. I also did not believe that he was suffering memory loss, although his parents did indeed suffer from Alzheimer’s late in life.
I was determined to find out how and who made the money vanish. The next night, I decided to start my search. It was two nights before my sister’s wedding and everyone went to bed early. I sat reading on the couch in the living room until past midnight trying to figure out how to go about decoding this mystery, when I heard someone coming down the stairs. I crouched down so as not to be seen and saw my mother tiptoe to the coat closet, remove my father’s suit jacket and go through the pockets! I could barely breath for fear of giving myself away as I saw her take an envelope out of the pocket of his suit jacket and extract some bills. She put the money in her purse and went back upstairs.
Mrs. Bluth, I am horrified at what I saw and do not know what to do. I am writing this letter after my sister’s wedding and am due to return to Israel in a few days. I can’t go back leaving my father thinking he is going mad and I can’t expose my mother’s stealing. I will be destroying my family no matter what I will do. Please help!
Dearest Child,
My heart goes out to you that you had to find out such sad truths about your parents. You are carrying a terrible load on your shoulders.
I am not in a position to advise you halachically and do suggest you speak to a rav whom you respect. That being said, as time is of the essence, here are my thoughts:
Sit down with your mother and, in a respectful way, tell her what you witnessed as well as the conversation you had with your father. I am not sure what she will answer you, but it could be that she was overburdened with unexpected expenses and knowing that your father would object to the spending, took it and covered up by laying the blame on him. In desperate times, good and caring people sometimes do illogical and hurtful things, never considering the consequences.
Although there is no excuse for her actions and the pain she has caused your father, she can reclaim the shalom bayis she forfeited by sitting down with your father and coming clean. I truly believe that if there is enough love between them he will be happy to forgive her, just knowing he wasn’t suffering from the onset of early “anything.”
If you can’t get up the courage to do this because you are fearful that you will cross the line of kibbud aym, then leave this page where only your mother will find it, along with a note saying you love her and do not judge her, but that you could not bring yourself to confront her for fear of embarrassing her. Explain that you love your father just as much and cannot bear to see him suffering from his imaginary condition. You just want everything to return to the way it had always been.
I know that your parents love their children and that when your mother sees how much both you and your father are suffering due to her momentary laps of judgement, she will step up and take responsibility.
You are a good and loving daughter to care so deeply to bring peace back into your home. In that zechus you should merit much hatzlocha in your life and always have the ability to help those you love find their way.