Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am having an issue with one of my children and am at my wits end. I have reached out to her school, to no avail. Two teachers responded to me blaming the issue on the large class size and the nature of children today to be competitive and selfish.
Let me tell you my issue.
My “Mindy” is the middle child with three older brothers and three younger siblings. Her earliest months were full of sweetness and joy, which changed soon after she turned one. She began displaying strange behavior, banging her head on any hard object when she was upset, pulling out her hair and sucking on it to the point where she developed noticeable bald spots. I spoke to my pediatrician at least once or twice a week and she kept assuring me that all babies do weird things until they outgrow them, usually when they can articulate and make themselves understood. She said Mindy was just acting out her frustration because she wasn’t able to express herself. It sounded right, so I stopped worrying.
When Mindy was three and still not speaking more than a few simple words, this incredible anger emerged. There was no controlling the thrashing and pounding and screaming that ensued when she got upset.
So began the therapy years: either she had cognitive or sensory issues, but she would “outgrow” them.
Finally, at age six, when school was an issue, I took her to a specialist. Yes, he said, Mindy did have many underlying issues that would need monitoring well into her young adulthood, and that as she got older understanding and maturity would make it easier to temper her rages. Until then, she would need to be seen once a week. I, too, would have sessions with the therapist so that we could both be on the same page and the whole family would have to conform to a new way of life in the way we speak, suggest and relate to Mindy. In addition, she began attending a special school, to prepare her for integration.
Finally, we put her into the Bais Yaakov in our neighborhood for Pre1A and the teacher was wonderful. In first grade, the teacher did not want to be bothered to give Mindy the space she needed and Mindy often came home in tears and anger saying that no one included her in anything. This set a pattern. As she got older, the pain of exclusion took its toll. Girls became insulting, making fun of Mindy and moving away from her at recess when she asked to join them. And she took her anger out at us at home.
She is verbally abusive to us and lashes out on a regular basis. It has gotten so bad that I can no longer look at her; sometimes I can’t even hug or hold her to calm her down. Sometimes I have to push down the feeling of hating her. And I have to remember that she is still just a child, one that has been cast out and isolated for something beyond her control.
Mrs. Bluth, she understands hate, she is not blind and her heart is not made of stone. Her eyes tell me that her heart is torn by the alienation she is made to endure because she walks a little differently, is a bit more hyper and presents herself a little bit off from the pack. She does not understand why, when she complains to the teachers that she must sit by herself at recess because no one wants her in their group, nothing is done to help her.
I remember being in third grade and the teachers telling us about a new student joining our class. We were made to understand that even though Libby looked different, she was just like us. This little girl did not have hair, eyelashes or eyebrows. She couldn’t run around or play ball at recess. We all were nervous, and gave her sly looks until recess. That’s when we each in our own way approached Libby and welcomed her into our collective groups. We all thought she had the most beautiful eyes, she made us laugh, and she had a lovely voice. We all rallied around her and felt good doing it. Libby stayed with us until the middle of the next year, and then we got the sad news that she had passed away.
Mrs. Bluth, I ask you, why does my child have to suffer when it could be so much different if the teachers actually taught and practiced the middah of ve’ahavta lerayacha kamocha?
Sadly, this is the real world of today, where teachers and mechanchim no longer make sure that there is no division, derision or mean-spiritedness in their classes, no matter the number of students in the class. I know I sound bitter, but she is my child and I don’t know how to help her.
Thank you for listening.
Dear Friend,
Your letter almost brought me to tears. It is beyond sad that your child should have to be isolated in a class full of girls who don’t know how lucky they are to be whole and well.
Make no mistake, your daughter knows that you are the one constant force she can depend on. She knows that you love her and that you will never abandon or hurt her, which is why she feels safe venting at you. You are her life preserver and can’t let go, no matter how she rakes at you with her words.
Yet, you too, need a life preserver. Reach out to someone who is capable and knowledgeable enough to help you regain your footing, so that you can catch Mindy when she falls. We all need help sometimes and it will make a world of difference in your relationship with her.
It appears that you have found a good group of therapists and doctors who will work with Mindy to keep her steady and moving forward. I am sure that you can have them work with you as well, so that you are all eyeballing the same target – Mindy’s optimum potential and goals.
As to school, know that it only takes one good teacher to make a lasting difference in a young, impressionable child.
Continue to reach out to the school and administration and advocate for what Mindy needs. If possible, see if there are any services to which she is entitled that can enhance her social scene.
Most of all, continue to be there for her and help her navigate this difficult journey.