Dear Mrs.Bluth,
I hate my child. Just saying this makes my skin crawl because I don’t understand how a mother can hate her own child, but I do. I have not spoken about this to anyone, however, I am confiding in you so that I can freely pour out my heart and, perhaps, find others who may be going through the same horrible experience. If this problem is beyond the scope of your expertise, I thoroughly understand and thank you for just hearing me out and offering up any words of comfort and advice.
I am a mother of six children, five of whom I love with all my heart and from whom I derive much joy and nachas. After four girls, I had a son who, until the age of two was a delight and pleasure. It was just before his second birthday that we noticed behavioral changes in him. He began to show marked personality changes, anger tantrums that were defined by body jerking spasms, kicking, uncontrollable screaming and head banging, lasting anywhere from five to fifteen minutes, and sometimes longer. Never knowing what would set him off or where, I was terrified to take him outside. My husband and older children learned to deal with these episodes, taking them in stride even though they would occur numerous times a day. We all hoped it was a phase. When he was four, I found myself pregnant with child number six and during one of his tantrums, I slapped him. This only served to intensify his anger and strike me, kicking and pummeling me with his fists.
While I was in the hospital giving birth to our youngest, my mother-in-law came to take care of the kids, and when I came home, our son was clinging to her and wouldn’t come near me. That evening, my mother-in-law shared her concerns that there was something wrong with him. She felt his rages and powerful need to control his environment and everyone in it were excessive and that he was suffering because he didn’t understand why everyone was so angry with him or could he control the anger that overtakes him. However when she adopted a loving, consistent and firm discipline with him, she noticed a marked difference in his demeanor and much shorter and milder anger episodes. She offered to stay on for another week just to let me recuperate and have me watch how she dealt with him, but I refused her offer. I guess I resented her relationship with him, even though she had accomplished what I could not. Before she left, she strongly suggested that I have him evaluated and get him the help he needs. I did not heed her advice.
Now its two-and-a-half years later and things have gotten worse – at least when he is at home with me. In school, it seems that he does listen for the most part, although, say that he does not play with the other children. At home, he is the devil incarnated and I am at my wits end. I am horrified at myself for almost wishing he had never been born and how peaceful life would be if he didn’t exist. Most times I can control my reactions to his violent, angry outburst, but sometimes it is all I can do to stop myself from hurting him. So there you have it, in its total ugliness. I can no longer put up with him and am stuck as to what to do. Please, please help me. I’m so stuck in this terrible place! I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t trust myself any longer and I don’t see it going to get any better. Anything you can suggest will be deeply appreciated.
