Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am at a loss for what to do. My daughter has all but severed our relationship, which had, in her younger years, been a close and loving one. Today she is married and has children, Baruch Hashem, whom my husband and I love beyond life itself, but we are treated like outsiders, tolerated only when we can fulfill a need. She holds this over our head and uses it as a threat – if she doesn’t get from us what she wants, she won’t let us see them. We walk on eggshells around her, so as not to antagonize her and shorten what little time we are allotted with our beloved einiklach, but the situation is beginning to affect me in a seriously unhealthy way.
My husband says we should just keep giving and doing as she demands and not rock the boat, even though he sees what it is doing to me. Neither of us can figure out how this situation came to be or what we could have possibly done to cause it. And yes, we have tried sitting down with her and trying to figure it all out, but it was a failure. Still, we always were and continue to be loving, caring parents and grandparents. Can you offer any advice?
A Distraught Mother
Dear friend,
How very sad to have to live your life in the confines of your daughter’s dictatorship. How very foolish, selfish and manipulative is your daughter, to set in place such an unreasonable relationship! There are two sides to every story, situation and crisis and, since you are the one writing in and not she, I can only answer based on the information you have provided us.
You say your relationship had, at one time, been close and loving and that she started moving away, emotionally, from you in her early adulthood. You say you have tried speaking with her to get to the bottom of the rift, but it was not a successful attempt.
The first thing I would suggest is, stop giving! At this juncture, your daughter is certainly not deserving of your kindness and largess. If she intends to alienate you from your grandchildren, she will do so, regardless of how far you bend over for her, when she has no more need for you. Better to call her bluff and possibly put a little fear into her than to continue encouraging her abuse. Challenge her strength with your own and she may see what she stands to lose monetarily and otherwise.
Children grow up, grandparents grow old. Stop making yourself sick and just wait her out. As your grandchildren age, they will remember how loving you were to them – even if she is foolish enough to cut them off from you – and they will seek you out when they are old enough to weld that control. I know this will be painful, but fill your days with your other grandkids, visit with friends, take a well deserved vacation with your husband and spend all the money you’d be paying to be mistreated, on yourself!
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Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am divorced and live with my adult son who is in his early twenties. Unfortunately, he is verbally abuse to me. When he was eighteen, he broke my right wrist. I needed to be in a cast for six weeks and then go for weeks of therapy. Out of guilt, my son took me everyday. However, things soon returned to normal, and the verbal abuse began again. Another time, in the heat of his anger he attempted to choke me.
Over the next two year, there were periods of time in which we co-existed peacefully, until my ex-husband remarried. That seemed to set my son off on a verbally and physically abusive tirade. I was hospitalized for PTSD (Post Traumatic Shock Disease) and went for therapy.
I had never told anyone about my son, thinking it would pass and he would get better. I hid it well, for the most part, and am sure that most people, including family members attributed my behavior and way of being over the past few years as relating to the divorce and other personal issues.
I can no longer live like this, and have decided to tell everyone the truth. After the initial shock at what I related, the support I have been receiving is incredible, although they all wondered why I’d kept this secret for so long. This is part of the reason I decided to write to you. I hope that you can offer me some advice as to how proceed with my son. I have begged him to go for therapy, but he refuses.
Living in fear
Dear Friend,
The only comfort here is that you’ve finally decided to reveal the horror you’ve lived with and should something happen again, you have people you can turn to. The rest of it is an absolute nightmare. Even without having met your son, I can tell you that right now you are playing Russian Roulette with your life.
As you are in therapy, I will not advise you in any way that could conflict with what your therapist must be telling you.
If there is any way you can remove yourself from the house, stay with friends, go on a long vacation, do it! If your son does not seek help, if he refuses to leave the house and live elsewhere, you are leaving yourself exposed to danger. People with the violent tendencies your son portrays do not get better of their own accord. He is in desperate need of help and you are in very real danger of being his punching bag until he gets it.
Please keep a cell phone on you at all times and make sure there is a strong lock on your bedroom door. Should there be another episode of his violent rage call 911 immediately. Hopefully, they will succeed in having him placed in a psychiatric facility where he can begin to the help he needs.