Dear Mrs. Bluth,
Well, the chagim are over, the summer is over and, sad to say, I think so is my marriage! Where to begin? When I came home from seminary in Israel three years ago, I found, to my shock and amazement that three of the girls that got married from my class right after graduation, had already gotten divorced. I made up my mind at that point that that was never going to happen to me, so when I started going out, I was very picky with whom to award a second chance to. Finally, just after Chanukah I met Mr. Wonderful, tall, good looking, attentive and wealthy, and my parents liked him too. When I went to meet his parent on Purim, I got the impression that they were not particularly happy with me but I pushed that thought from my mind. They were pleasant but on the cool side, did not ask too many questions. for which I was grateful and the visit was short, thank goodness.
It took awhile for “Chaim” to propose, no matter, I said yes before he could finish the question. Had I known then what I know now, that his parents were against his marrying me, I would have done things differently, moved to another state so they couldn’t mix into our business and not have to affiliate with them unless it was absolutely necessary. But I was young, naive and in love and so I was blind to the warning signs. Still, that little unsure voice in the back of my head said “so they’re weird, you’re not marrying them, you’re marrying Chaim.” My own brain betrayed me.
We got married right after Shavuos and already the warning signs were coming to the forefront. Chaim turned out to be a ‘mama’s boy’ of the worst kind. He called his parents every day, jumped into action whenever his mother called him to do something for her, which was often daily, even when I asked him to go somewhere with me, what she wanted came first. As much as I tried to keep Chaim away from her, it didn’t work and we ended up spending a few horrible Shabbosim with his family, where his snobby sisters and their henpecked husbands and obnoxious offspring were more than I could tolerate. I spent most of those visits in the bedroom.
After the summer when we returned from our belated ‘honeymoon,’ the thought of spending part of the chagim with his family was so abhorrent to me as to make me physically ill and I broke out in hives and developed stomach issues – IBS. I told Chaim I just couldn’t go to his family, perhaps we could stay with my family where it is calm and he gets along well with my parents. Of course he told his mother about what I suggested and she blew up and wouldn’t hear of it. So we went there and I had the chag from hell!
I’ve had enough. I didn’t sign up for this. I wanted a normal, happy and cohesive marriage where everything is blissful but we are nothing like that! My friends are all saying this was not meant to be and as long as his witch of a mother has Chaim under her thumb that’s what I have to look forward to.
My best friends say that as starter marriages go, I’m lucky it’s so early on and advise me to get a divorce before I get pregnant and get stuck for life. At this point I’m inclined to agree with them and with each passing day, I look forward to being free again. Are my friends right? I just thought I’d run this by you and see if there’s something to salvage here. I understand you come from a time when divorce was almost non-existent and that women stayed in their marriages whether they were good, bad, or horrible. I will understand if you find it hard to relate to my situation, still, maybe you can offer up some advice on how I need to go forward.
Dear Friend,
It’s not often I’m reminded that I come from a time before the wheel was invented and, a time to which I would give almost anything to revisit. But lets not dwell on the impossible, except to say that yesteryear was a time when people got married young, worked hard to make a good life and build a loving family, and ultimately, grew old together. A really simple, beautiful and moralistic time when people cared for and about each other and valued the important stuff that money can’t buy. A time when the term ‘starter marriage’ was alien and unheard of.
There is so much wrong with your thought processes, decision-making capabilities and value system, that you are a prime candidate for intense therapy. Young lady, you come across as being a very self-absorbed, immature and narcissistic person who is used to being indulged and catered to. You are also surrounded by like-minded friends who do not have your best interest at heart but rather assuage their own lives at your expense. I know this must sound extremely harsh and offensive, but there is simply not enough space in my column to break your situation down for you. If you could see yourself through a magnifying glass you might understand that your issues began long before your marriage and due possibly, to a very indulgent, permissive and entitled upbringing.
I cannot fault you on your complaint about an intrusive mother-in-law and a son who has not developed a backbone and has no ability to defend himself against his controlling mother. There are so many obstacles to overcome here, the biggest of which is the lack of love, respect and maturity that is so glaringly absent in your marriage, that would have, at the very least given me the impression that there was something to salvage here. If I am wrong, and I truly hope I am, please get yourself and your husband to a marriage counselor post haste. Find a really good therapist who will devote the time and sincerity to helping both of you find your common ground and work toward saving your marriage. But first, the therapist must also work with you both on undoing the ruinous damage suffered in your childhoods so that you can find yourselves in your true adulthood. Also, I strongly suggest you drop those ‘good friends’ and their destructive advice.
I’m sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear and it has absolutely nothing to do with the view of the generation I was born in. But I thank you for giving me a momentary trip in time to when life was hard, but it was also filled with love, sweetness and the realization that we were responsible for every decision we made. I wish you success in whatever you decide to do, just remember that whatever you do decide will affect others as well.