Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I’m so torn over the course of events of the past few weeks and I really have no one to talk to about this. Up until five weeks ago I thought I was the happiest, luckiest woman on the planet. After suffering so much grief in an abusive marriage, I never dreamed I’d ever want to marry again, much less find someone I could trust and love.
I was married at a very young age (on my eighteenth birthday) right after graduation, because I thought I had found my bashert, after having gone on only three shidduch dates. He came from a very respectable family, in fact his brother works for a close relative so we felt we got an honest report about him. His Rosh Yeshiva is also a close family friend, so even though my (ex) husband was five years older, making him mature enough and settled with a job, the age difference only enhanced his desirability.
He was nothing short of charming with a wry sense of humor that endeared him to me instantly and my parents were no longer apprehensive about letting me marry him. He proposed on our fourth date and after meeting his parents, who loved me the moment I was introduced to them, the marriage was planned for just a few months away. Everything moved along like in a fairy tale, and we moved into a nice little apartment near both our families. Two months later the horror began when he was fired from his job, in order to give it to the boss’s son. He came home that night and I smelled the alcohol on his breath.
When I tried to console him with encouragement that he would have no trouble finding another job, he got so furious he had me cowering in fright as he shoved me into the wall, letting his fists fly wherever they landed. The next morning, he looked at me and asked me, as if he couldn’t understand, where I had gotten the black eyes and lacerated lip. I forgave him thinking it was a one-time thing and not wanting to believe otherwise. But of course it wasn’t. When things did not go right, he drank and he let his anger out at me, as if his misfortunes were my fault. I was already pregnant with the twins but that didn’t stop him. Fast forward four years, when I finally had the nerve to tell my parents what was going on, they helped me gain my freedom from him at a huge cost to them.
I was so traumatized from my being abused that I wouldn’t hear of dating or remarrying. My family and friends pointed out that the twins were getting older and so was I, so, at long last I did start dating and, after many disappointments, I met Shai, a widower whose wife had recently passed away and left him with four small children. I did not rush into this a second time, nor did Shai. We spent much time getting to know each other and for me to build up my courage of taking on his four little ones all under the age of ten and my twelve-year-old twins. My kids loved his children and really liked Shai, so after four months of intense dating, we got engaged and married three months after that.
I could not believe my life with Shai. He was the most wonderful, loving, helpful and endearing person I have ever known. However, after celebrating our first wedding anniversary, I intimated to Shai that I would love to have a child with him and that I felt secure enough to in our ability to have and raise a child of our own to cement our union and really make us one blended and cohesive family. And then he dropped the bomb. He told me he didn’t want any more children, that his four and my two were enough. You could have knocked me over with a feather! I was devastated beyond words. I so wanted another child. I ached to have a little one that we share, but no matter how much I tried to explain, he was steadfast in his refusal. We had our first fight and many more over the next five weeks, to the point where it is getting ugly.
So here it is in a nutshell. Is this marriage doomed to fail too? I am so embarrassed. I keep thinking that if he really loved me he would be thrilled to share in this gift of life and proof of our love for each other. I am so angry at him that I can’t even talk to him and the distance is growing bigger between us. Please help me find a way to reach him so he wants what I want too.
Dear Friend,
It breaks my heart to read about your brutally painful first marriage at the hands of your abusive ex-husband. One really understands how difficult it is for a woman to ever recuperate and heal from such a violent experience and then go on to marry again without having gone for therapy to rebuild herself and her trust in the male species. Yet you seem to have done it and come away unscathed. But that’s not true, is it?
I have learned to read between the lines and in most cases that’s exactly where the truth is hidden. So, let me walk you through what I see here. You married the first time at just eighteen years old, to someone who has five years of life more than you to his maturity. In an abstract way you deferred to him on most, if not all, things because you were young, in love and so very trusting in his love for you and in his maturity. Then, once the wedding was over and real life set in for both of you, his maturity disappeared in the whiskey bottle and the only way he could deal with his disappointments and failure was to blame it on you and use his fists to bring his point home. There must have been some signs there during your courtship, but you were just barely eighteen, in love and you missed them. Ask yourself this. Did you really ask around about his character? Did you research him with people who were not part of your family? I’m not trying to blame you in any way, but there are always little signs that should have raised your warning lights. OK, let’s move on to Shai.
While you were dating Shai and as it got more evident that you really liked him and that you were slowly letting your guard down in the trust department, did you discuss a possible future with him that included your having children together? I can fully understand it if he was hesitant as he already had four and you had two. Six children was more than enough for him. However, if you did discuss it and he showed signs of agreeing to another child or more, then there is a problem.
Please don’t waste any time. Make an appointment at a marital therapist and see what you can do to find common ground on this issue. Don’t wait for the chasm to get bigger or there will come a point where communication ceases to exist. I truly hope that you and Shai will be able to resolve this issue and it is a major one. Don’t wait any longer but go as soon as you can. My heart tells me that Shai is a good person and so are you. I truly believe that the two of you will come to the same page on this matter, so that you will celebrate many wonderful and happy anniversaries together.