Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I really appreciated reading your response to the letter-writer who was being pressured to take the next step while dating a potential husband. The message you shared is essential for life in general: trust your instincts and intuition.
When I was dating, I had doubts about my husband, but I didn’t trust myself. Instead, I reached out, asked other people’s advice and trusted them even when my intuition was telling me something different.
I clearly remember one particular date in which my husband talked about his emotionally abusive father. The conversation made me extremely uncomfortable, as I had done a lot of work on myself and understood the challenges of living with dysfunction. I went so far as to contact an expert in the field of mental abuse because I was concerned that his father’s issues could have a lasting negative impact on him. I was told that people could work on themselves and the past does not have to affect them. Though I had many doubts before and during the engagement, I was repeatedly told that it was just cold feet and reassured that my concerns were not valid. I trusted other people instead of myself and got married.
While you may be assuming that will now follow is a horror story about an abusive marriage – that is not the case. We have been married for ten years, and while it’s been a bumpy road, I get along well with my husband. We went through some challenging times, but working through it has brought us even closer. Today I can see my husband as a whole person and not let his issues blind me from seeing his strengths.
However, my concerns while we were dating were spot on. My husband continues to deal with the same struggles as he had then. He is still affected by his father’s rage and emotional abuse and has low self-esteem and anxiety issues. He struggles with not wanting to be like his father but sometimes, subconsciously, reverts to some of his father’s ways. While he is not a rageaholic like his father, he can be emotionally reactive and raises his voice with our children. The good news is that he is a mentsch, very considerate and caring, and is in therapy to improve himself. Yet, I can’t help but think of those who are stuck in abusive situations because of other people’s advice.
I hope that people on both ends of the spectrum (the ones who don’t trust themselves, and the ones who feel the need to tell other people what to do) can take a lesson from my story. Other people don’t have the answers to your problems and may have their own agenda. Trust yourself and your own intuition. On the other end, don’t take responsibility for other people’s life choices. You don’t have to live with the consequences of their choices, but they do. Give others the dignity of figuring things out for themselves even when you disagree with them. Thank you again for spreading this important message.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Friend,
Your story must have been difficult for you to share, but we thank you. Your emotions seem to run from regret to not listening to your own inner voice to acceptance for who your husband is. You seem to have found a sense of peace in an imperfect world.
I am sure there are many who will see themselves mirrored in your experience and will come away wiser for your having shared it.
From where I’m sitting, you are a very special woman, who has managed to “separate the wheat from the chaff” and make satisfying bread from it. With wisdom and patience, you were able to find the good and redeeming traits in your husband, hidden under flaws not of his own making, and forge a solid and satisfying relationship where others in your position would have, long back, given up. In spite of your rocky beginning, you have fought the war of adversity and won. May your marriage continue to grow stronger.
“Normal” and “perfect” are words I try not to use because, in truth, what appears normal or perfect to one person may well seem twisted and dysfunctional to another. Just as beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, so does “normal” and “perfect.” The best we can all do is to stay within the boundaries of our own life and do the best we can for ourselves.
As to the your warning to those in the shidduch parsha to listen to any inner warning bells, I hope it is heeded. Even when all signs point to him or her being a “great catch” and everyone thinks you are foolish for being anxious and feeling that “something’s not right” – listen to yourself. It’s your decision and your life and no one else will suffer with you should you turn out to be right!
Again, thank you for sharing your experience with us. May the sweetness of the New Year spill over into your life and bring you joy.