Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am so depressed and despondent I can’t go on anymore. It seems that I always pick the wrong people to love and they simply use me and abuse me and then drop me for someone else. I am at the end of my rope and you are the last hope I have before I fall into that deep dark abyss.
I want you to understand that I am a good person who gives everything and asks for very little in return and I seem to fall for women who are narcissistic, avoidant and unable to give love or show appreciation and love for another. This last time, I really thought I had finally found a woman who would love and care for me as deeply as I for her. But again, as so many times before, I fell into the trap of being the giver, the nurturer, the caretaker who was always available at her beck and call 24/7, no request too hard to fill and no job too big to do whenever and wherever she requested it. But for me there was very little of that in return, it was always her needs and wants that came first, her desires had to be met even when I was deathly ill. If I didn’t comply she threatened to leave me. So I crawled off my sick bed and with my last ounce of strength before being taken to the hospital, fulfilled her demand. Then she left me anyway!
I came home from the hospital weak and broken and turned to her out of desperation, because I was too sick to care for myself. I could not turn to my family because everyone begged me to leave her, that she was a taker and a controller, that she wasn’t worth my attention… and I didn’t listen. I hoped against hope that her heart would soften when she saw how weak and sick I was and she would come and take care of me for a few days, but she never even picked up the phone or when she did, she always had an excuse for why she couldn’t come by with some soup or just stay and talk for a while to cheer me up. For many weeks I struggled to regain my health and when I finally did, that’s when she had reason to call me up… to ask me to take care of a stuffed toilet that had overflowed in her basement!
I have finally come to realize that I was my own worst enemy and that I was certainly not qualified to make any decisions of the heart based on my batting average of picking the rottenest apples in the barrel. My family tries to give me comfort and encouragement saying that I am a wonderful person with a great and giving heart and that I deserve to find a loving, caring and giving person like myself and that I should move on and look for her because she’s out there. Even after all that has happened to me, I still can’t move on. I am defeated and tired and afraid to think there is a chance of ever finding happiness for me. I feel empty and worthless and getting up in the morning is a great chore. So there you have it, in a nutshell. You are the only thing standing between me and the bottomless pit I’m leaning over!
Dear Friend,
Hold on! Don’t do anything you will regret,.. or better said, your family and loved ones will regret. There is always hope and I think I can help you see that your rash actions would be a terrible waste and for naught! So please, pour yourself a cold glass of apple juice and listen to what I have to say. Then, if you feel that my words and ideas have no merit, we can explore other options. Having said that, I thank you for seeing me as a last resort, although there is hardly ever a last resort to a problem, it only appears so, to the person who is suffering so much pain and heartache that all avenues of hope and relief seem fruitless dead ends. But that’s simply not true in 99 out a 100 cases.
You have endured so much abusive treatment it leads me to believe that your self-esteem level is below zero. You appear to me to be the kid that was always bullied or put down for not being good enough in school or sports, always the last picked to join anything and the most picked on for everything from the color of your hair to being the cause of someone else’s failures. This only worsened as you got older and assumed the hardened belief that you would ever amount to anything, deserve anything, or be entitled to the love and respect of others. Rather, you were best at serving and servicing others, giving to others without expectation of receiving in return. And so you lost your sense of self-esteem and personal value, accepting your lot as a less than adequate human being you came to expect nothing more than nothing for yourself and from yourself. Which lead you to seek out just such people that played into this myth and vision you have of yourself. And that is why you always pick people who are selfish, narcissistic, controlling tormenters, who smell it on you and, ultimately, you fall into this tormenting trap over and over again.
The best thing that could have happened to you is that your last girlfriend left you. You may not believe that now, but trust me, it is. Your term of servitude to this leech is over and you are now free of her tentacle hold on you and you can devote all your energy in rebuilding yourself and becoming the man you never got to be. Please make an appointment as soon as possible with a therapist who will help you shed your damaged vision of yourself and your entitlements and replace it with a good, healthy belief in who you can be, should be and ultimately, will be with time. But first you must learn to love, respect and believe in the good person that you are and the happiness, success and dreams you deserve. It will take some time and a lot of practice but I have faith that you will succeed. In fact, I’m sure you will succeed once you begin to feel how good it is to receive the love and admiration of others. And then you will be able to find your life’s partner with whom you will share love, joy and adventures you only dream about now. And when you do, please drop me a line and share the good news with me and all your invisible friends in this column who are cheering you on!
