Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I have such a great problem that it is destroying me. I’m sure you can’t help me because I know that such a terrible problem is never even spoken about in public because a person would be afraid he would be thrown out of his family and his yeshiva because it is a chillul Hashem and against the Torah. So, I can only tell you and no one else would know it’s me because I’m not giving my name or anything that can identify me. But I need to talk to someone or I feel I will explode.
I am a fourteen-year-old yeshiva bocher (not my real age) and I think I’m gay! I’m terrified that my friends kid me that I’m not interested in girls like they are and that I don’t join in with them on their secret meetings with girls. They are starting to look at me in a funny way, as if I’m a ‘faigaleh,’ you know that means, right? It makes me wonder if they are right because I feel much more comfortable with guys than with girls. In fact, the thought of girls makes break out in a cold sweat and I actually feel nauseous!
I am terrified of getting married and don’t try to think about that, pushing it to the back of my mind and far into the future. But this talk of girls and stuff is all around me now and I feel like I can’t breath when I’m out with my friends for pizza or lunch and they see girls and everything changes. I can’t talk to my parents about this because I’m sure they would throw me out in the street. I can’t talk to my sisters about it either because they would hold with my parents. Forget rebbeim or teachers, I would be thrown out of yeshiva before I could even get my backpack.
So I write this to you because I just need to tell someone before I either run away from home and go where no one knows me, like a street person, but I’m so terrified of everything that this is all I can do.
I’m just waiting to see what you will say about this that could actually bring me some hope and peace of mind. Thank you for listening.
Dear Child,
Something tells me you are younger than what you would like me to believe, and you are very confused and torn over what you don’t understand but are beginning to feel physically and emotionally. I also get the feeling that no one has sat down with you to explain the changes in your body and emotion as you go from being a little guy and turning into a young man. This s a crucial time for a very young person and this talk is the first step in stemming any fears, misunderstandings, or questions you may have.
My instincts tell me that you are not gay. Being more comfortable with your friends is fairly normal at your age and their talk of girls making you so very uncomfortable could be that you are a late bloomer and will catch up to them in your own time, once you can have that ‘talk’ with a qualified professional who will be able to answer all your questions in confidence and guide you safely towards adulthood. You need to feel safe and reassured about your feelings and concerns and most of all you need to be assured that all those fears and anxiety stem from the ribbing and jokes you’ve been subjected to by the boys who’ve already come to terms with their masculinity.
I thank you for bringing to light a very sensitive issue that many young men and women face going through puberty uneducated and too embarrassed to trust anyone to speak to. If you are one of those young people, please, either approach someone capable whom you feel confident and comfortable with to talk through all your fears and answer your questions so that you can look forward to a happy and healthy journey into adulthood. Left unattended and unanswered can very often lead you down the wrong path. So, stay happy, healthy and reach out for the right answers so you don’t come to the wrong conclusions derived from secret fears and uneducated public opinion.
I will help you get those answer if you will trust me to keep your secret. You can contact me through The Jewish Press office and we will work this through.
