Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I have been agonizing for the past nine months on how to deal with my situation, and because your column offers a platform to every tormented soul, this column seems to be the avenue I must take to reach some satisfaction while at the same time, warn others of the danger and the destruction it has wrought. The two main reasons for my writing to you is to make others aware of what narcissism is and, most importantly, for myself at this juncture, how to overcome my deep feelings of anger, hurt, shame, betrayal and, most importantly, the incessant need for revenge.
My story begins twenty years ago, when I met a man on a dating site and we seemed to have hit it off almost immediately He showed himself to be a kind, attentive and caring person, on my level of frumkeit, as well as being quite handsome. We dated several times a week, reaching the stage of professing our love for each other and moving forward to talking about getting married. We spoke to each other every morning and evening daily and, I thought, those were the best six months of my life. Then, on a Wednesday morning, on our regular seven o’clock phone call, he bluntly and coldly told me he had met someone else and we were through! He offered no explanation or reason, as if my feelings of absolute shock and confusion were not a consideration and of no importance to him at all, he just dropped me as though I never existed.
I cried for many months, not understanding what had happened or what I had done to cause it. There was no closure and I could hardly cope going through the motions of daily life. But somehow, life went on. Months later, I found out that the woman he dropped me for and married was a shrew, but was someone who was tolerated because of her wealth and influence in the 5 Towns. It took me a long time to move on with my life and it was extremely difficult. So the years passed but the hurt never left, it lingered on like a dark, gray cloud.
It was during that time that he suddenly resurfaced and texted me asking how I was and if I wanted to walk with him on the Boardwalk. I was shocked to hear from him these many years later but I said ‘no,’ because I still loved him deeply and getting together with him after what he had done to me was too painful. This kept happening every couple of years and I kept refusing him. Fast forward two years ago when he contacted me again. I refused to meet with him but we did text and talk on the phone and he wore me down and I ended up meeting him. And I was hooked again! Even though I knew it was wrong, I kept getting together with him because he swore that he loved me and that he would divorce his wife. He was complimentary, loving and caring yet again, however, as before, he was all talk and no action. There was no movement towards his divorce but he kept promising and I kept believing.
As time went on, he became distant, uncaring and insulting. I overlooked it, even made excuses for it. Only a few very close friends knew what was going on and because one close friend could not tolerate seeing me so torn up, pointed out to me his assumption, that I was dealing with a narcissist. That lit a fire under me and I read everything about narcissism I could lay my hands on. As I read about other peoples’ cases and experiences in their relationships with a narcissistic partner, I realized that I, too, was involved with a classic, textbook example of a narcissist. His verbiage and actions were exactly those used by the textbook examples. It decimates me to understand, now, what a fool I was and for so long a time. He lied to me, insulted me, degraded me and blamed me for everything as if he had nothing to do with it. For all I know, he is still living comfortably in his wife’s home, so he can enjoy the social status and financial benefits she affords him.
And me? I feel like a gutted fool for the second time. I believed all his lies because he promised me the life I always wanted and the love I never knew and I blindly believed him and trusted him. I could not see past my love for him. So, of course I’m ashamed and embarrassed for what I did and now find it hard to face those caring, good friends who tried to warn me and to whom I did not listen. But I also have an overpowering, all consuming desire for revenge. I want to see him suffer, just a as he made me suffer, and suffer still as I write to you. I want everyone to know what kind of lowlife he is, so that they will have nothing to do with this pariah. I also feel there are other woman he is doing this to, married, divorced, single, makes no difference to this bottom-dweller. I want to see him thrown out of his shul and exposed for the ‘achzor’ that he is!
Dear Friend,
Your pain is palpable, your trust is broken and your anger is justified but if its healing you want, I have to ask you to listen closely to what I say, step out of your broken spirit and trust me. I mean this only for your own good.
The textbook interpretation of a narcissist is as follows, “…a neurosis characterized by such excessive self-love, that normal love for others is impossible, compounded by an exhibitionistic need for attention and inappropriate emotional reactions to the criticism of others…” Just a small rendering of a very long and convoluted rundown of a very troubled person, such as the person you were involved with. A narcissist seeks out someone like yourself who is depleted, needy or broken and feeds off them! The only way to rid yourself of this psychological parasite is to cut him out of your life. Think to yourself, “He never was, he is not now and he never will be again!” Erase him from your thoughts as soon as you feel yourself begin to think of him again and begin to live your life filling it with self-worth, self-love and a well deserved value system.
This jerk is a myth onto himself and like a painful boil or a cyst, you would do well to just mentally excise any thought of him, cut him out like a surgeon. He is no longer allowed to invade your life or torment you. Forget thoughts of revenge, the best revenge you can lay on this guy is showing him you are living well and happy without him and leave it at that. Trust me also when I tell you that he will do himself in without your help and given enough rope by someone else, he will hang himself.
That said, I suggest you move on and fill your days with things you enjoy and that make you happy. Seek out people who truly value you and are good friends who care for you and love you unconditionally. You are a good and decent person who got involved with a rat, now you deserve the very best. Go after it and forget the past!
